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Treating Yourself Respectfully
"It's not how you define me, it's how I define myself." Read that again: "It's not how you define me, it's how I define myself." Those are the words of Stedman Graham, and we would all do ourselves well to take some time to think about what that statement truly means, and how much better we would feel about our lives and relationships if we lived by this motto. On a daily (and even hourly) basis, each and every one of us is bombarded with outside opinions from the media, friends, co-workers, and others about what we should look like, how we should think about a certain subject, what our relationships should be like, and for parents, how we should relate to our children. If we let them, and it is very difficult to do otherwise, outside influences create our personal beliefs, even how we feel about ourselves. No matter who we are, it is a challenge to fit into today's society. If you are famous, you have people who have never even met you writing and saying things about you that are often untrue. Our 24/7 news provides the opportunity to ruin someone's life and reputation before the person even has a chance to respond. If you are not famous, you still have similar struggles: If you don't believe what everyone else believes in your church, you are ostracized. If you don't have the material possessions of those in your social circle, you are the victim of gossip. If you are from the wrong political party of the majority of those in your community, you are told that you are ungodly or a wacko. If you are the only gay member of your family, you are judged. Heaven only knows what happens to you if you are transgender. People constantly form opinions about us and label us, but none of this truly matters. The only opinion that truly matters is the opinion we have about ourselves. Graham says that he has devoted his life to helping people develop their own identity, "finding out who they really are," and working to define themselves, as opposed being defined by other people's labels. What an incredibly important message for all of us! Anna Sherise
 The Axiom Of Responsibility Shocking, but true: you could be held liable for your parent's financial obligations. "'Filial support' or 'filial responsibility' -- the term often used to describe an adult child's obligation to a parent" has become the legal basis for lawsuits brought by nursing homes against adult children for their parents' unpaid nursing home bills. ("Pay Your Parents' Bills Or Else") The idea that adult children should be held legally responsible for their parents' welfare dates back to 17th-century England and carried over to colonial America. Today, some form of filial support remains on the books in 30 states but, [. . .] only Pennsylvania and South Dakota have recent track records of health care providers using the law to sue patients' children. It's unclear whether nursing facilities in other states will ever employ the law in a similar fashion. There aren't words strong enough to adequately express our opposition to these laws and the idea of "filial responsibility." According to Magna Sententia, you -- and only you -- are responsible for yourself once you reach 18 years of age. You are responsible for the financial decisions you make during your adult years: whether or not you save, live within your means, or prepare for your retirement years. How you go about doing this (or if you do this at all) is your business. If you fall on hard times and are not adequately prepared, it is no one's fault but your own. Please understand: If you want to help your parents in their time of need, by all means, do it. Forcing you to come to your parents' aid, however, is entirely different: To legally burden you, the adult child, with your parents' bills is outrageous! You didn't make your parents' financial decisions for them, so why should you be liable for their debts? Also, consider the numbers of adult children who are estranged from their parents for good reason. Many times, this estrangement is the result of years and years of mistreatment, and this type of legal obligation would be an incredible burden on those who, in our opinion, have already suffered enough. "Filial support" or "filial responsibility" is not a matter of taking care of your parents or loving them enough to help them out. It's about making individuals responsible for something that isn't their responsibility. Anna and Ellie Sherise
 The Axiom Of Respect Father's Day is this Sunday, and until two years ago, it was a day that really turned my stomach: I have absolutely no respect for my own father, and whenever I heard advertisements about how deserving fathers are, how they have done so much for their families, how children owe it to their dads to honor them on their special day, I would literally get a sick feeling inside. I thoroughly resented these broad generalizations about the goodness of fathers because all across our nation, countless children have fathers who do not deserve to be honored, let alone the title of "dad." To me, a dad is a father who loves his children and never gives up on them, a father who takes time to understand his children and build a close relationship with them, along with encouraging, disciplining, and emotionally supporting them, even if they make mistakes and lose their way. Regrettably, multitudes of children do not have the faintest idea what it means to have such a father, and for those children, Father's Day is a day that can make them feel guilty for disliking their father and sad for the loss of what they never had. I am the first to admit that there is no such thing as a perfect parent, and if you have children of your own, you know firsthand that flawless parenting is an impossibility. Good fathers are not perfect and will make mistakes, but when they do, they apologize, work to make things better, and always try their best. They are loving, caring, and admit when they need a little help along the way. Thankfully, my sour feelings toward Father's Day have slowly disappeared, and there is a clear reason for this change: my husband. He is the type of father I wish for every child: warm, patient, strong, responsible, respectful, and most of all, loving. I often wonder how I was fortunate enough to be blessed with such a wonderful man as the father of my children, and as the years go by and life's struggles continue, he never falters from being the most honorable man I have ever known. So, for all of you out there who cannot respect your father (and those of you who want nothing to do with your father), please know that I understand how you feel. You are not a bad or ungrateful person because your father treated you poorly and you don't want to "honor" him on Father's Day. May I suggest that instead of feeling down this Father's Day, give yourself the gift of forgiveness - not for him, for you. In Magna Sententia, forgiveness is defined as, "Letting go of yesterday so that you can have today." You can't change the past or make your father someone he isn't, but you can change how you respond to his actions. This year, take your first steps in healing. Anna Sherise
 The Axiom Of Respect (Note: In this article, I am not talking about unhealthy relationships or people who treat you poorly.) Lately, I have talked with numbers of people who have been greatly hurt by supposed friends and loved ones quickly ending their relationship without giving a clear reason or opportunity to work it out. These individuals are left not only wounded, but also confused as to why the other person apparently just gave up on them. Unfortunately, this seems to be more of a trend than a freak occurrence, and I believe we would all have more meaningful lives if we remembered that there is something to weathering the storms together. We live in a disposable society, and I think this mentality has a tendency to bleed into our beliefs about relationships: After all, there are so many options out there that if our relationships aren't working how we think they should/imagined they would, it makes sense that we would try to find something or someone better, right? But what is better? Sure, new relationships are usually painless and exciting, but over a long enough time period, life inevitably gets messy. Old problems just get replaced with new ones, and if we are always jumping ship, we can never achieve a sense of security, which is essential to confidence and peace. Maybe we need to shift our focus from what is missing in our current relationships to what can be done to improve them. Perhaps loyalty is better. Ellie Sherise
 The Axiom Of Respect I am at the age when nearly every face I see during the day looks younger and more vibrant than the one staring back at me in the mirror. It is so easy to want to turn back the clock and have the face I used to have (which I didn't appreciate when I had it), but unfortunately, that can't happen. Today, however, I saw something that just might change my fantasies: the slideshow "Aging Naturally Or With A Little . . . Help?" of stars like Lisa Rinna, Priscilla Presley, Kenny Rogers, and others who have literally ruined their faces with procedures that were supposed to make them look young again. We expect botched surgeries to happen to the general public who cannot afford top-notch physicians and plastic surgeons, but this slideshow proves that cosmetic surgery is dangerous no matter who you are or what your income level. Just take a peek at Priscilla Presley. She looks so awful that it is hard to see her and not feel extremely sorry for her - and she used to be so pretty! Botox treatments, collagen lip injections, and plastic surgery are performed on millions every year, not just celebrities. But why? I think we 40-somethings (and above) need to think about what we are doing to ourselves in our unattainable pursuit of youth. Why are we trying so hard to be what we are not? Why can't we embrace our wisdom and knowledge, as well as the looks that come with the territory? Maybe crow's feet and wrinkles should be thought of as badges of honor. Thankfully, some celebrities see clearly when it comes to these procedures: "'I tried Botox once, and it was really not good for me. I felt like I had a weight on my head,' [Jennifer Aniston] told the April 2009 issue of British Elle. The 40-year-old went on to say, 'I think it [Botox] makes women look older. Harder. The warmth in their faces goes away. You see women, and you know they're not young, but you can't tell how old they are. That's what stopped me.'" Hopefully, this will also stop the rest of us! Considering the American Society of Plastic Surgeons reports that as of 2007, there have been "4.6 million [Botox] procedures in the United States" alone (and who knows how many other cosmetics procedures), I know that what I am saying will probably fall on deaf ears. ("Wikipedia: Botulinum Toxin") However, I for one am going to turn over a new leaf: The next time I look in the mirror, I am going to try to make friends with the features I now have that remind me of my grandma. I loved my grandma, wrinkles and all, and I hope I can learn to love the new (old) me. Anna Sherise
 The Axiom Of Realistic Expectations I read an article the other day that used the phrase "longtime loves" to describe a couple who had been together for four years, and it kind of took me aback. Maybe it's just me or the fact that my parents have been together for almost 30 years now, but I don't think "longtime loves" quite applies to a four-year relationship. Now, don't get me wrong. I do not mean to discount this couple, their relationship, or any relationship of similar length. After four years, they could have a very meaningful relationship and made a long-term commitment. It's just that in my opinion, the "long-term" hasn't happened yet. It seems as though we have become a society of serial monogamists, and my worry is that by using (or misusing) labels like "longtime loves," we are only continuing to lower our societal standards of long-term commitment. Publilius Syrus, a great writer of moral maxims, once said, "Speech is the mirror of the soul; as a man speaks, so he is." This is true of our society as well: The way in which we term and discuss our relationships impacts our expectations. I do not believe that people should live out their lives unhappy in relationships that truly aren't working, but on the other hand, we have to realize that good, lasting relationships take work. Things will not always be romantic or perfect, and I have learned from my parents' example that to stay together, you have to be able to wade through all of life's tribulations together. Ellie Sherise
 The Axiom Of Respect According to "When Love Isn't Enough," a growing number of married men and women are using the Internet to have extramarital affairs. "Websites, like the wildly successful Ashley Madison [whose motto is 'Life is short. Have an affair.'], cater specifically to married people. And while it's impossible to know exactly how many cheating spouses exist online, Ashley Madison CEO Noel Biderman said his site has 3.5 million members, 70 percent of whom are male." Interestingly, Biderman believes this number "'is just the beginning,'" a mere drop in the proverbial bucket of disrespectful, self-centered, shallow, and shameful cheaters (my description, not his!). The women featured in the article represent scores of women out there who do not deserve to be married to their "wonderful" husbands. When they choose to cheat, they are only thinking of themselves, and surprisingly, they show no remorse for being the disgraceful good-for-nothings they most certainly are. Instead of having a fluff article written about them, they should be rebuked by our society for their behavior. Husbands and wives: If you are unhappy in your marriage, tell your spouse. If, after discussing your problems and concerns with your spouse, he or she is unsupportive or uninterested in trying to take steps to mend the relationship (such as getting counseling), then have the nerve to file for divorce. While divorce is a drastic step, it is sometimes necessary, and incompatibility is one such circumstance. Magna Sententia specifies that we treat one another respectfully, and cheating on your spouse is definitely not treating him or her respectfully. Openly communicating your feelings, attempting to work out a compromise or resolution, and ultimately divorcing is treating your spouse respectfully. It is the honorable thing to do when there is no other solution. Truth be told, these women are probably taking the easy way out: They want their husbands to continue supporting them while they go fooling around with another loser like themselves. Anna Sherise
 The Axiom Of Respect As promised in this week's "Ask Anna & Ellie," today I am going to explain more about The Magna Sententia Wedding Rule: Those who pay have the final say. For Parents If you are paying: Even though you "have the final say," treat the wedding couple respectfully by showing consideration for their desires and attempting to reach a compromise in every area of the wedding planning process. When there is a disagreement, listen to all other parties' concerns and opinions with an open mind, understanding that the goal is a happy celebration for everyone. If you are not paying: Although it is a nice gesture of support to offer your assistance to the bride and groom, give them room to make their own decisions. Only offer your opinion when asked, and be sure to clarify that your input is just a recommendation. (Do not put extra pressure on them!) Even if it isn't the way you would have done it, let them enjoy their special day with a smile on your face, and be thankful that they think enough of you to want you there. For The Bride & Groom If you are paying: Make responsible choices, and only spend what your budget allows. Additionally, do not expect help from your parents or others; this is your show. Work together to create a wedding that pleases both of you. Above all, enjoy the celebration of your new life together. If you are not paying: Receive with gratitude, and show appreciation for your parents' generosity by assisting them in every way possible. While you can certainly express your ideas for the day in a respectful manner, remember that it isn't really "your" wedding; rather, you are the guest of honor at the wedding your parents are hosting. Of course, following Magna Sententia means treating others respectfully at all times, so if you are the one paying for a wedding, this rule is not a license to do whatever you want without taking others' desires into consideration. It is, however, the bottom line, and if all parties involved treat it as such, your wedding planning process will be a lot less stressful. If you have any further questions regarding The Magna Sententia Wedding Rule, please contact us. Ellie and I are happy to help! Anna Sherise
 The Axiom Of Realistic Expectations Once again, former Chicago Police Sergeant Drew Peterson is in the headlines, and surprisingly, it is not because he is under investigation in another woman's disappearance or death. It's because apparently another woman has fallen victim to his charms and agreed to marry him. ("Peterson Plans To Wed Mystery Bride, 23") (For those of you who are unfamiliar with the case, Peterson "is a suspect in the disappearance of his fourth wife, Stacy, and the homicide of his third wife, Kathleen Savio.") According to Derek Armstrong, author of Drew Peterson Exposed, Peterson's "future bride was a former fan of his who first introduced herself to him through handwritten letters." One of the goals of Magna Sententia is to teach individuals that they are the only person on Earth who is responsible for their own life. An important element in successfully meeting this responsibly is to have realistic expectations for your life, relationships, and decisions. Realistic Expectation Four, "Touch the flame once. Touch the flame twice. Only a fool would touch the flame thrice," is specifically designed to guide you as you think through the ramifications of your choices before you act so that you can learn from past mistakes, as well as avoid the negative consequences of others who have taken similar actions. Drew Peterson's new flame would serve herself well to look at the facts surrounding his past, instead of only considering her experience with his confident and persuasive personality. ("Peterson's Second Wife Recalls Threats") For her own safety and well-being, she must rationally acknowledge that even if he didn't kill his last two wives, marrying him is an extremely risky choice: He has already been married four times, one of his wives is missing, another died under suspicions circumstances, and the first two maintain that he cheated on them and was abusive and controlling. Why take the risk when there are so many other men out there whose backgrounds are pristine compared to Peterson's? This story takes "love is blind" to an entirely new level. (She sent him handwritten fan mail?!) Always consider all of the information you have before making decisions. Remember that bad people rarely change, and poor choices generally produce consistently negative results. Use the lessons you and others have learned to make your life better. That said, this advice is not to be confused with situations in which family and friends discourage a romantic relationship on grounds that are entirely subjective. Consider my own experience: I met my husband when I was just 18 years old. We started out as friends who enjoyed one another's company, but as the story goes, one thing led to another, and we grew to love each other. Only, there was a problem (some thought, anyway): I was 22 years his junior. I received advice from everyone I knew, many of them telling me that even if I was happy now, some day in the future I was really going to be sorry if we married, not because of him, but because of our age difference. I'm sure glad I refused to listen to what others said since today we are still married, we have three wonderful grown children, and I love him more now than I did way back then. The point is that the advice I received was subjective and based on superficial traits, whereas the advice to steer away from Drew Peterson is based on facts and others' direct experience with him. Anna Sherise Disclaimer
 It is commendable that Oprah has an "ethics dream team" to help teach her audience how to handle complicated social situations, but given the differing opinions of her experts Faith Salie and Randy Cohen, we believe Oprah's viewers would receive a much greater benefit if they learned to follow Magna Sententia when responding to "life's stickiest situations." ("How To Handle Life's Stickiest Situations") Magna Sententia is based on a system of logic and founded on the values of responsibility, respect, and realistic expectations. This makes your decision-making process smoother and important life judgments much easier to reach because when you weigh all of your decisions against a set of core values, you know that your decisions are consistent and have clear reasoning behind them and that the way you are running your life is rooted in principles that make the world a better place. Let's add Magna Sententia to the mix of Salie's and Cohen's opinions and see what you think: Should Mary have told her friends that their spouses/significant others propositioned her? Magna Sententia's Axiom of Respect includes three concepts: treating yourself respectfully, treating others respectfully, and respecting only those who earn it. In Mary's case, she must focus on treating herself respectfully. When her friend's spouse or significant other crossed the line and propositioned her, he treated her disrespectfully, putting her in a very uncomfortable position. Pretending that it didn't happen, ignoring him, or avoiding him in the future are all extremely weak responses that will only make her feel badly about the situation and herself. On the other hand, if she tells her friends about the inappropriate propositions, she can feel good knowing she is a person who is honest and straightforward in her friendships. (Note: this answer assumes her friends are really friends, not acquaintances.) Her being a true friend is more important than whether or not her friends want to know about their partners' behavior. If her friends dislike her or treat her poorly because she "force[s] them to confront something formally" about their partners that they've already suspected, then they are not good friends. Treating yourself respectfully means forming genuine friendships that are based on honesty, trust, and open communication. Should Michelle call the "12-year-old girl's mother and let her know what's going on"? Magna Sententia's Axiom of Responsibility insists that you take responsibility for your children. Therefore, you are not responsible for other people's children, and Michelle is not responsible for the 12-year-old girl. It is imperative for her to understand that her obligation is solely to her son: If she were to call the girl's mother, a myriad of difficulties could (and probably would) occur in her son's life. Children, and parents who protect them no matter what they do, can be extremely cruel, and Michelle's son could suffer mercilessly at the hands of the girl's mother and "friends." Furthermore, if she calls and her son faces backlash, he may never confide in her in the future. Michelle should take responsibility for her son by teaching him to protect himself and the importance of choosing his friends and girlfriends wisely, as well as working to maintain a close relationship with him. As he grows up, he will need to know how to handle this type of situation on his own, without direct parental involvement. How does McAulay "put [her customers] in their place and still not lose them as clients"? Magna Sententia's Axiom of Realistic Expectations teaches that we must have an accurate outlook on the consequences of our actions. Since McAulay is responsible for her own actions and not responsible for the behavior of her clients, it is not her job to try to "put them in their place." In fact, confronting them will most likely only hurt her business for nothing, as she will probably lose them as clients and anything she says will have no effect on whether or not they continue to make sexist comments. Realistic Expectation Six states, "Never ask the moon to brighten your day," meaning McAulay should not expect her clients to be something they are not (polite), and she must realize that it is up to them, and only them, to change their behavior. Moreover, if she is extremely uncomfortable day in and day out working with the customers in her current field, she may be well-served to find a different line of work with more polite and respectful clients. How does Kristen recover from her e-mail mishaps, namely "accidentally replying to the person [she's] gossiping about in the e-mail" and sending a "company proposal directly to [her] competitors"? This is another instance in which the Axiom of Respect directly applies. Treating others respectfully definitely does not include gossiping about them, whether or not they find out about it. Kristen doesn't just need to stop gossiping in e-mails, she needs to stop gossiping period. Gossiping is not only treating others disrespectfully, it is destructive and mean. As far as sending valuable information to her company's competitors, she needs to slow down and concentrate so that she treats her employer respectfully in her work. Should Patti tell her girlfriends the truth when they ask her opinion about their "bad boy" boyfriends? Should Lindsey tell her friend that she has bad breath? And should Sarah tell her friend "she's wearing clothes that are completely inappropriate for her size"? All three of these ladies are in basically the same position as Mary. (Note: this answer also assumes their friends are really friends, not acquaintances.) In order to treat themselves respectfully, their friendships must be based on honesty and trust. As long as they are delicate and discrete in expressing their opinions, their girlfriends should understand that their thoughts are well-intentioned. Who else can be honest about these things, if not your girlfriends? Life and the decisions it requires are much easier when you have a bottom line that makes sense and allows you to feel good about yourself. You can have confidence in core values, and as Rev. Dr. Peter Marshall (1902-1949) said, "Give to us clear vision that we may know where to stand and what to stand for - because unless we stand for something, we shall fall for anything." Magna Sententia provides you with clarity and something to stand for: The Axioms of Responsibility, Respect, and Realistic Expectations. Anna and Ellie Sherise Disclaimer
 The Axiom Of Responsibility "The U.S. Labor Department said [today] that the nation lost 240,000 jobs in October, worse than what Wall Street economists were expecting." ("Employers Shed 240,000 Jobs In October, Unemployment Rate Hits 6.5%") August and September job losses were also revised, "adding an additional loss of 179,000 jobs in those two months. In all, the U.S. economy has now lost 1.2 million jobs in the first 10 months of 2008." This is scary news for many of us, but based on my past experience with unemployment, we must not lose hope. Unemployment hit our family back in 1983, and while it was extremely stressful and required much sacrifice, we got through it and were able to fully recover. Here are a few things I learned along the way that may be of some help to you and your family: First, if you still have your job, but think unemployment is a real possibility in your future, start preparing now. According to Magna Sententia, you are responsible for your financial well-being (i.e. living within your means), so put your family on a tight budget. Only purchase what are in fact needs, or essentials for living: food (scaled back to only what is necessary, no fast food, no restaurants), shelter and related costs (conserve electricity and water, no home improvement projects), and transportation to and from work (no extra trips or outings). During this time, do not spend any money on movies, concerts, extra television/cable channels, or other entertainment. Go through your expenses, and remove everything that is not critical to your survival. Additionally, if you are certain that you will lose your job, take steps now to reduce your housing costs. This sounds depressing, but if you have the right attitude, you can have a lot of fun at home with your family, without spending money: Play games, watch DVDs that you already own, prepare meals together, and turn "chores" into family activities. As we say in our book, "The attitude people have when confronting their problems determines whether or not they are happy despite their problems." Your success is dependent on the way you approach this challenge. If you are already unemployed, remember that "this too shall pass." My husband and I were in a very undesirable position when we were faced with this trial, and I know how worried you feel: My husband was working for an oil and gas company during the industry downturn of the early 1980s, and I was not employed at the time because I had chosen to stay at home with our four-month-old child. We had to sell our home at a loss and move into a much smaller one. I started working nights at a hotel, and my husband searched for employment all day, every day. He did not find employment for eleven months, and we were down to under $2,000 when he finally received a job offer. We ate cornbread and pancakes for dinner, never went out in the evening, never purchased new clothes, made homemade gifts for the holidays, and learned to truly lean on one another. Looking back on that time, we wonder how we did it and, surprisingly, also realize that even though it was extremely difficult, we would not trade it for all of the money we've earned since. It permanently changed our marriage for the better: During that time, we became genuine partners. Use your time of unemployment to come together with those you love while doing what it takes to survive. Remember, what is truly important is your marriage and family, and how you deal with strife: Keep your wits about you, grow as a person, and appreciate the good that comes your way. As they say on Battlestar Galactica, "All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again." Even in this economic crisis, our country is still the best in the history of the world, and even on our most difficult days, we can be thankful that we live in America. Anna Sherise Disclaimer
 The Axiom Of Respect Magna Sententia’s Axiom of Respect is essential for improving the many diverse marriages existing within our society. Admittedly, the relationship between husbands and wives is extremely complicated, and unfortunately, countless marriages are unhappy, unfulfilling, and unhealthy. We know it takes two to build a strong marriage, but we have to start somewhere, so today we are focusing on the destructive behavior of wives, as well as what they can do to strengthen their marriages. Ellen Tien’s article “She’s Happily Married, Dreaming Of Divorce” exemplifies the pervasive, ugly attitude scores of women have about their husbands. Regrettably, it has become cool for women to disparage their husbands in public, and by “public,” we mean in front of their girlfriends, family members, and co-workers (for Tien it goes as far as O Magazine). Women who treat their husbands in such a disrespectful manner do not deserve to be in a relationship, much less married. The fact that they are married and their husbands put up with their antics is all the more frightening. Women, we need to shape up. There never is an appropriate reason for cutting down or ridiculing your husband in front of anyone: not to your BFF, not to your mother, not to your neighbor. If you are having problems with your marriage that you can’t solve together, seek the advice of a psychologist or counselor, don’t air your dirty laundry to your friends. (Note: Telling someone that you are being verbally, emotionally, or physically abused is not ridiculing your husband. If you are being abused in any way, get help and get out as fast as you can.) Instead, wives would go a long way in building a strong, satisfying relationship with their husbands if they followed a few important guidelines:
For some strange reason, it has become popular to belittle and vilify husbands, and this in turn negatively affects children’s attitudes toward their fathers. It is the responsibility of every wife to respect her husband every day and at all times (just as husbands must respect their wives every day and at all times). If you don’t like this, then don’t get married. If you are already married and guilty of belittling your husband, stop it immediately. (Also, you will probably need to make some new friends who treat their husbands respectfully.) Anna and Ellie Sherise
 The Axiom Of Responsibility It has recently come to light that John Edwards, based on his own admission, had an affair while married to his wife, Elizabeth, and then lied about it as a presidential candidate. (“Edwards Admits Sexual Affair; Lied As Presidential Candidate”) While this revelation will hopefully prevent people from blindly holding up politicians as role models, it also serves as a reminder that we need to take responsibility for our actions when we create an undesirable situation in our lives or the lives of others. The most genuine public apology that we’ve ever witnessed came from Duane “Dog” Chapman during his television interviews after he was taped using racial slurs and other derogatory statements while having a telephone conversation with his son. (“Exclusive Interview With Duane ‘Dog’ Chapman”) Dog shows all of us exactly how to make a sincere apology:
Everyone makes mistakes, some more serious than others, and how we handle ourselves afterward is paramount to the recovery of those we’ve injured. Anna and Ellie Sherise
 The Axiom Of Responsibility Yesterday while I was running errands, I witnessed yet another 40-something woman hauling her mother around begrudgingly. The tension between these two women was so thick, I could have cut it with a knife, and unfortunately, this dismal duo was no different from others I see regularly at restaurants, doctors’ offices, pharmacies, movie theatres, grocery stores, and salons. By her demeanor and tone, the daughter was clearly annoyed at the fact that her mother didn’t have the mental and physical acuity of times gone by, and consequently, she spoke to her mother with such a bite, I was surprised to see she wasn’t breathing fire! She moved her mother (and her mother’s oxygen tank) with quick jerks and starts, all the while frowning and sighing as though she were trying to move a stinky, dead horse. In this case, the mother was completely compliant, but on other occasions I’ve observed elderly women bossing their caretaker daughters around like army sergeants. Why are these women putting themselves through such agony? There is no way this daughter or her mother is happy, and I would bet that the daughter’s frustration with her mother is carried over to her other relationships, as no one can change his/her moods like the flip of a switch. Every time I see one of these miserable daughters, I want to go up to them and say, “Please don’t do this to yourself. Your mother is responsible for herself, even in her golden years. Life is too short, time is too precious, and your other relationships are much too important to continue living like this!” And to the mothers, I want to shout, “Love your daughter enough to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself, even if that means taking a cab, finding a volunteer from your church to help you, utilizing community services for the elderly, or doing your nails at home.” Warning to all 40-somethings: Prepare now for your future so that you have the funds to be independent and self-reliant when you’re older. Please, don’t burden your children or family! We can help one another out, but not to the point of losing ourselves or being utterly miserable. It is almost impossible to be healthy and happy under the great pressure of caring for our parents, raising our own families, meeting our financial responsibilities, as well as maintaining our marriages, partnerships, and friendships. For the good of the family, parents and their adult children alike must take responsibility for themselves! Anna Sherise
 The Axiom Of Respect As a 20-something single, I’ve endured my fair share of demeaning relationship-status comments/questions: “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” “Don’t you want to get married?” “Eventually, won’t you want children?” “You’d better hurry and find someone. Your parents are going to want grandchildren!” And one I find particularly rude, “Oh . . . are you a lesbian?” (I’m heterosexual, but if I were a lesbian, the way this question is put would be extremely insulting.) These questions have no good answers: Whether I “just haven’t met the right person” or am “focusing on my career right now,” the response is either pity or blame: “Don’t worry, it will happen,” or “So that’s why she’s still single.” If you’ve had similar experiences, you know that even if it’s unintentional, all of this dialogue tends to imply that somehow you and your life are inadequate if you aren’t in a relationship, or if you’re in a relationship, that there is something wrong in your relationship if you aren’t married, or if you are married, there is something missing in your life if you don’t have children. The truth is that the status of your relationship (or your lack thereof) is no one’s business but your own, so even if you are pestered, have enough self-confidence not to degrade yourself: Don’t make up an “excuse” that is self-depreciating or share more about your situation than you’re comfortable with. Remember, you are a worthy and valuable person just as you are. Also the truth: You must learn to love yourself and your life, regardless of whether or not you ever have a significant other, partner, spouse, or children, and if you decide to get married and/or have children, it should be because you want to, not because your friends, parents, in-laws, relatives, or co-workers are making you feel badly. “Angst Of Being Single In Wedding Season” Ellie Sherise
 The Axiom Of Respect Domestic violence is never a pleasant subject to talk about, but unfortunately, the discussion is necessary, especially in light of today’s news: According to the CNN article “Dad Charged with Murder in Bride’s ‘Honor Killing’,” Chaudhry Rashid, a Pakistani man living in Jonesboro, Georgia, is accused of killing his daughter, Sandeela Kanwal, because she no longer wanted to stay married to a man she “recently had wed in Pakistan in an arranged marriage.” Apparently in some cultures, murdering female family members for supposedly bringing their families shame is referred to as “honor killings.” According to the article, it was estimated in late 2000 that every year “as many as 5,000 women and girls” are victims of “honor killings.” While killing a daughter for her desire to divorce is an extreme case, it is one more example of the countless adult children in our country who are victims of domestic violence at the hands of their parents. Adult children, meaning those 18 years of age or over, must realize that they can Release, or cut all ties with, their abusive parents without guilt. Please, if your parents are emotionally, verbally, or physically abusive to you, leave them behind. You do NOT have to continue to be treated poorly by someone just because they are related to you. You are under NO obligation to have anything to do with people who abuse you, and this includes your parents. If your abusive parents end up alone with no one to care for them, that is their problem, not yours. In fact, it is exactly what they deserve. Remember, you owe no one an explanation when it comes to your personal safety. Anna and Ellie Sherise
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