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Ask Anna & Ellie
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I just returned home from a 10 day stay that I was supposed to have with my grandchildren. Let me say first, my son is not in the children's lives on his own choice. I had major concerns about the welfare of my grandchildren, and I turned the mother into CPS. The mother is currently under an investigation with them and was forbidden to be around her boyfriend; however, that has not mattered to her, they force the grandchildren to call him "Daddy," even though he is not to be around them. The boyfriend is forbidden to be around because he is a convicted drug offender (Meth). I have spoken with the CPS worker, and they did another intake and confronted the mother about the boyfriend, and she bold faced lied and said he was not in her life. CPS is aware of her lie, but they feel they have to give her another chance because they see her making an effort in cleaning her house better. I was finally able to see my grandkids for about 5 hrs 1 day and a few hours the next, which happened to be a Friday. Within an hour of dropping the kids off, I received a call that the boyfriend was using the cell phone and stated it was him and wanted to provide some info to that person. I know he is still around my grandchildren, and I do not know what to do at this point. I have offered to hire a private investigator for CPS, and they turned me down and told me I would be wasting my money because they have to allow her another chance; however, the system is not working. They let her know when they are coming, and they do not do spot checks on weekends, so she has the boyfriend around on weekends. I live out of state and have been told that the children would be placed with family in town first, and her mother already has taken custody of her oldest son, which caused this initial investigation, which happens to be the 4th and my complaint is the 5th that I am aware of. I have also been warned about looking like I am a BUTTINSKY, as they will just ignore my concerns. I do not know what to do at this point. I raised 6 children of my own and do not want to raise more; however, if it were to give my grandchildren a better life, my husband and I are willing to raise them in a healthy clean environment. Please suggest what more I can do. --Concerned Grandma Dear Concerned Grandma: We have been thinking about your situation since we received your e-mail last week and feel so very sorry for you and your grandchildren. We are not attorneys. So, unfortunately, we will not be able to provide you with legal alternatives to guide you; however, if you can afford it, we recommend you hire an attorney in the state where your grandchildren live. Even though we cannot provide you with legal counsel, we still have a few thoughts that may help you: You cannot control your grandchildren's mother, but you may be able to influence your son. Why is he "not in the children's lives on his own choice"? These are his children, and he has legal power where you do not. Can you and your husband meet with him to try to appeal to his sense of responsibility and compassion? Does he know that his children are in danger and that CPS has become involved? It seems that he is the person where you should focus your energies in order to try to help him come to his senses. Sadly, grandparents do not have the legal standing that parents do, although there is never any harm in being a "buttinsky" when it involves the welfare of your grandchildren. Please don't listen to whoever warned you against this, they were wrong. You love your grandchildren and want them to be safe. Regardless of the names you are called, or whether others try to intimidate you, stay involved. Now that CPS is taken over the case, you must let them do their jobs. They have procedures that must be followed. We know this is extremely frustrating (and may even be dangerous), but there really is nothing else you can do while they are looking into the welfare of the children. The fact that you live far away from them makes it even more difficult for you, although visiting as often as possible will let the children know you care about them and help you to feel that you are doing the most you can under horrible conditions. We wish we could be more helpful. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am a secondary school teacher. I taught in South America, in Italy, and Spain. I found that English adolescents are very disruptive and misbehaved compared to continental children, though there are lovely kids here too. They are spoilt by parents and society, and it seems that nobody defends teachers. I remember when I was at school, I never dared to disrupt a teacher. They are rebellious children in today's society and no discipline at all. --Lily Dear Lily: Parents do their children such a disservice when they do not defend teachers! Of course, it is important to teach children to tell a trusted adult if their teacher is engaging in inappropriate behavior; however, parents must also instill character and a work ethic in their children, which does not include blindly taking their child's side when he or she is misbehaving at school. Disruptive children hurt not just themselves, but all students. No one can learn in a chaotic classroom. Unfortunately, a great number of children (and young adults) today believe that they are the center of the universe and haven't the faintest idea of what it takes to make something of themselves. They lack self-discipline and the ability to delay gratification. The scary thing is that while a current consequence of this is disrupted classrooms (which is nothing to sneeze at), a certain future consequence of this is a workforce with short-term thinking, little drive, and no dedication to innovate. (Plus, these people will be voting!) You can't teach someone to work hard and treat others respectfully overnight, and if parents don't recommit themselves to making sure their children treat the "position" of teacher respectfully (even if children do not like their specific teacher), education will only be further eroded. All of that said, there are still wonderful students who love to learn and are inspired by their fantastic teachers. Thank you for continuing to try to make a difference in children's lives. You are helping to shape the future, and we have a sneaky suspicion you are making a much greater impact than you will ever know. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am the father of four children who has been married to my wife for 10 years. The first seven years where quite rocky with consistent bickering and fighting where at times she has given me a punch, kick or broke my belongings. The main problem is that she is controlling when it comes to my children seeing my parents. She insists on being there if we visit and is angry for days before leading up to the visit. This behavior is noticeable and does affect our children. The reason why I allow this to continue is that I love my children, but it has come to the point where I no longer want to be controlled. My only fear is that if I get divorced, she will focus her anger on our kids when I am not around. --Unhappy Husband Dear Unhappy Husband: Your fears are justified: From your description of her, your wife will "focus her anger" on your children if you leave her. While we are pleased you have finally reached the point where you "no longer want to be controlled," it is imperative that you fulfill your responsibilities to your children by preparing in advance to protect them. Approach your situation from a position of strength, as opposed to feeling victimized. To be sure, in order to create the life you want for yourself and, most importantly, keep your children safe, you must be strong. Start by finding a reputable, experienced attorney who specializes in divorce. Make certain that you inform him or her that your wife has been abusive toward you in the past and you worry that she may be abusive to your children in the future, especially if you are not there to supervise. You may cringe at the word "abusive;" however, her punching and kicking you, as well as breaking your things, all qualify as abuse. Your wife is in fact abusive. We applaud you for recognizing that she is behaving in a controlling manner when it comes to your children visiting your parents (unless, of course, there is a valid reason why she fears for their safety at your parents' home). Your attorney will advise you how to proceed. While we are not attorneys and cannot provide you with legal advice, his or her instructions should include preparation for a strong case against your wife being awarded custody of your children. Additionally, her visitation privileges should be supervised. To that end, if she punches or kicks you again, call the police and have all evidence documented. This will supply you with the proof you need to show that she is unable to provide a safe environment for your children. Also, do you have witnesses that would be willing to testify regarding her past behavior? Are any of her past abuses legally documented? All of this will take some time. You must patiently lay the groundwork so that you will be granted full custody of your children. Then, you will be able to build a healthy life for yourself and your children, and all of you will have a safe, calm, and loving home. You are completely justified in wanting to escape your marriage. Indeed, life is much too short to spend countless years with a spouse who behaves like your wife. Just proceed in a thoughtful, methodical manner so that the outcome of your divorce is the best for you and your children! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: My daughter and her fiancé are to be married in just over a week. Unfortunately, the entire process around the wedding has been a fiasco regarding the groom's mother. She has tried to dictate everything from who is in the bridal party (and what they will wear) to what her husband will wear (she wants him in a tux to match the groomsmen and father of the bride). She has even tried to dictate what I wear to the wedding. She whines and complains every step of the way when she doesn't get her way, and then stops communicating at all. She complained that she "wasn't involved" and then declined or ignored 6 invitations to visit the wedding venue. Every single step of the way this woman has given my daughter grief and cried (literally) about how she is "loosing her baby" and NOT gaining a daughter! I have tried to let my daughter and SIL deal with his mother, but am loosing sleep and picture the wedding day being a disaster. I have continued to try and support my daughter and her future husband and suggested to both of them that my son in law is the one to talk with and deal with his mother. He has tried this - but one thing after another upsets his mother about my daughter and the fight is on again. Any suggestions??? I am loosing sleep over this and can see the wedding day being a disaster (especially if the mother of the groom drinks)! --Mother Of The Bride Dear Mother Of The Bride: We are sorry that you are having so much trouble with your daughter's future mother-in-law. Life is tough enough without having to be involved with people who make what could be a beautiful occasion into a nightmare. You are correct when you tell your daughter and future son-in-law that he must be the one to "talk with and deal with his mother." If he cannot stand up to his mother about their wedding, their marriage could end in disaster. As we have mentioned in other articles regarding this subject, weddings mean different things to different people, and because of this, they are often stressful. For example, some parents feel that everyone they know should be invited while others believe that the occasion is only for very close relatives. Considering this, we wonder what is behind the mother of the groom's behavior: Does she always behave like this, or is this an isolated incident? If she is normally easygoing and understanding, then her son must sit down with her and find out what is bothering her so severely that it is making her act so unreasonably. You mentioned that she feels as though she is losing her son. Maybe he needs to have an open conversation with her and reassure her that not only is she not losing him, but it would also mean the world to him if she would try to focus on the fact that she is gaining a beautiful new daughter. We must admit that we are worried for your daughter. You stated that when the groom tries to handle his mother, she continues to get "upset" about your daughter "and the fight is on." Trust us: If this doesn't stop, your daughter is getting into quite a mess. If his mother is always controlling, manipulative, and emotional, then there is no way anyone will be able to change this, before or after the wedding. (She will only change if and when she wants to change.) You asked for our suggestions: Honestly, we would postpone the wedding until your daughter is positive that the groom's mother is not going to put so much pressure on her marriage that it ends, or if it doesn't end, that her life is constantly filled with stress and turmoil. This will not be easy, and it will take awhile, but it can be done. We know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but this is the only way for your daughter to know (with the highest degree of accuracy) what her future mother-in-law's impact will be on her marriage. If that is not an acceptable option, then as for the wedding day itself, it will be what it will be. If the groom's mother is out of control as a way of life, then she will be out of control on the wedding day, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The key will be to conduct yourself in a respectful manner, but always be firm and direct. Do not let her push you around. This advice is especially important for your daughter as well. She will have to be incredibly strong now, and throughout her marriage, because there is a good chance this woman will try to control and manipulate every situation. Your daughter will have to teach her that her antics do not work. Be supportive of your daughter, strong yourself, and try to enjoy the day . . . easier said than done, we know. Please let us know what happens. We will be thinking about you! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I'll spare you all the gory details, but let's just say that at this point it seems like life isn't all it's cracked up to be. (In the last three months alone, I was diagnosed with a lifelong, life-changing illness, my daughter had major complications in a major surgery, and my husband was informed that he is about to lose his job.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go jump off a bridge or anything. I'm just severely disillusioned. With people, with religion, with politics, with all this crap that happens day in and day out. Will life ever throw us a bone? Will things ever get better? Is it even possible to happy for any length of time? --Down On Life P.S. If you say that I just need an attitude adjustment or that I should stop and smell the roses more often, I'll scream! Dear Down On Life: We are sorry that you are going through such a trying time. Without exception, every life has its struggles, admittedly some more often than others. Considering what you are currently experiencing, we definitely understand why you feel that "life isn't all it is cracked up to be." And no, the solution is not simply an attitude adjustment or to stop and smell the roses, although these can never hurt. Sometimes, if we look at each obstacle we're facing one at a time, they seem less overwhelming: Being diagnosed with a life-long, life-changing illness is emotionally exhausting. Personally, we empathize with your experience, as we were recently diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which forces many major lifestyle changes and, if left untreated, can lead to serious health problems. We've learned that you have to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of how life used to be, giving yourself permission to feel disappointed and acknowledge how scary it is to realize that your health is incredibly fragile and can be taken away at any moment. The next step is to become educated so that you don't feel so powerless and hopeless. Education also provides a greater sense of control over your circumstances. The loss of feeling in control of your own life is a difficult aspect of any illness. Join a support group, or start your own. This is an excellent way to learn more about your disease and how others have learned to manage it and cope with it. Online support groups are another effective option. Your daughter's major complications with a major surgery are undoubtedly extremely scary and stressful. Here again, it is easy to feel like life is out of control, but this is another area where education is the key. What steps can your daughter take to fully regain her health? Can you help her? At the same time, it is important to remain realistic and not to take on more than you can possibly handle by yourself. If your daughter is young, assisting her will consume a great deal of your time; however, if she is older, you will have to stop yourself from getting overly involved in her life to the point where you have no life of your own. Do what you can, but realize that in order to be there for someone else, you have to take care of yourself first. If you are not giving yourself time to exercise, sleep, relax (a little), and eat well, you will eventually be no good for your daughter. Remember that you can only do what you can do. Your husband's impending job loss is yet another tremendously emotional and stressful event. Unfortunately, the two of you are not alone in this area: So many in our country are also coping with this and learning to manage the related stress. There are numerous support groups out there for the unemployed, and we would encourage your husband to join one. Also, concentrate on living day by day and making good choices in terms of spending your money. While planning and being prepared is always good, do not worry about events too far out in the future because you will just get all worked up. No one knows what tomorrow will bring! Maybe this would be a good time for your husband to either gain new skills in his current field or find a completely different way of earning a living. When we go through difficult times, we are often forced to be more creative, and this can change a person's life forever. For example, maybe the two of you could start a business together, or he could pursue a career he has always dreamed of but never thought was possible. Again, having control over what happens to you can go a very long way in making you feel better about life. Due to some of the phrases you used in your e-mail, we want you to know that if you ever do feel suicidal, please reach out for help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is a free hotline available 24 hours a day. You are not weak, or a bad person, because you feel the way to you; you are someone who is experiencing three extremely difficult situations all at the same time, and that is more than many of us could handle without help. Even though your depression seems situational, please share your feelings with your physician. He or she needs to know and most likely has many additional resources to help you and your family through these difficult times. Speaking of help, don't hesitate to reach out to other family members and friends. Let them know you are exhausted and need a break. It is amazing how much our perspective changes when we are well-rested and have had some time to just relax and regroup. Can other family members help you with some of your responsibilities while you are learning to manage your illness? Can friends take a turn helping your daughter so that she does not have to solely rely on you? Does your husband have friends or relatives that he can share his employment worries with so that you are not his only source of emotional support, which is a huge responsibility for you? All of these little steps will help to alleviate some of the stress you are currently feeling. Lastly, the truth is that life is what it is. There is no magic formula to make it better or more fair. All we can ask of ourselves is to do the very best we can each day. Yes, it is exceedingly difficult to have a good attitude when life keeps piling problem after problem on us and the pressure never lets up. Nonetheless, our only option is to keep fighting and find ways to ease some of the stress by taking care of ourselves, becoming educated, and asking for assistance so that we can manage our lives as best as possible. We hope this helps and that your life gets better before too long. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I read that Ellie has celiac disease and thought you might be the person to ask how I should handle next week's Thanksgiving dinner. Many of the family and friends that are coming to our house have some type of dietary restriction, and I am getting overwhelmed with all of the special dishes I will need to make. How can I respect their needs and maintain my sanity? I was thinking of having everyone bring a dish they could eat and I will supply the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, and vegetable. Does that sound reasonable or will they think I am being a lazy host? --Too Many Dishes To Cook Dear Too Many Dishes To Cook: It is very thoughtful of you to be so cognizant of the dietary restrictions of your family and friends, and this will surely make all of your guests feel welcome. However, you also need to take care of yourself, which means not going crazy trying to fulfill everyone else's needs. Reaching a balance as host can be tricky, but it can be done, especially if both hosts and guests remember that what really counts is being together, showing appreciation for one another, and having fun. Preparing dishes to meet dietary restrictions that are not your own can be extremely difficult and stressful, particularly if the other person's diet is not widely known, intricate, and critical to his or her health (that is a lot of responsibility!). For instance, it may be easier to recognize recipes that are suitable for your lactose intolerant uncle and vegetarian sister than it is to find one for your celiac cousin. Personally, for Thanksgiving (and all other gatherings), Ellie does not expect her family and friends to take it upon themselves to cook for her because there are hidden sources of gluten everywhere and she has a bad reaction from even slight cross-contamination. That would be too much to ask! Instead, she will bring along a dish or two that she can eat and share. As a host, your duty is make your guests feel welcome, which means acknowledging their dietary restrictions and being as accommodating as is realistic. This does not mean providing a dish for every dietary restriction. Tell your family and friends with special diets that you are aware of their needs and want them to feel comfortable, and since you will be providing the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, and vegetable, they can bring anything else they would like to enjoy. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: My wife and I have been married for nine years and have had trouble for the past three. We have three children ages, 8, 5, and 3. We decided a few months ago that we are going to divorce and I am certain that is the best option. In fact, ever since we made our decision, we have started to get along better. Keeping our marriage together was just too much pressure. We are talking about custody, our finances, and everything else and we are able to reach compromises on almost every subject - but we don't know how to handle the upcoming holidays. Our families are close and get along well. We are afraid that our divorce is really going to upset everyone. We always go to her sister's house on Christmas Eve, our parents and siblings come to our house on Thanksgiving, and we thought it would be best to not tell anyone until January so that the holidays are not all upset for everyone. What do you think of our plan? My wife hates to lie to our families, but I think we are saving them from feeling bad and also giving our kids a nice Christmas. --Soon To Be Divorced Dear Soon To Be Divorced: Before we discuss whether it would be better for you and your wife to announce your divorce now or after the holidays, we have to ask: Are you absolutely, without question, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that divorce is really the best option? Only you and your wife can truly answer this question. There are many couples who quit too soon, looking for greener pastures when the going gets rough and never fully realizing the benefits of long-term commitment; then again, there are other couples who don't quit soon enough, wasting years of their lives in an unhappy relationship and fooling no one (children know whether or not their parents love one another). Divorce may in fact be the best option for the two of you, but if there is any part of either of you who feels like you would like to give your marriage one last shot, please speak up and see if you can work it out! All of that said, it sounds as though you and your wife are really handling the situation well. Children are exceptionally hurt by divorce when their parents belittle and badmouth one another, making them feel like they have to "choose sides." We commend both of you for working together to reach compromises on matters that often end up to be bitter, ugly battles. By keeping your divorce amicable, you are taking responsibility for your children and doing them a world of good. It is wonderful that your families are close, and we know that you and your wife are only thinking of your families in your plan not to tell anyone of your divorce until January. Unfortunately, we believe withholding this information may actually do more harm than good. Yes, everyone may have a "nice Christmas" (Don't kid yourselves: Your children are going to know something is up and others probably will too.); however, when you do make your announcement, there is a great chance that your families will be hurt because you didn't tell them right away. In many cases, not telling feels as much of a betrayal as an outright lie. Tell your families as soon as possible. It may be difficult, but it is better for all of your relationships. (Trying to keep up appearances may even further strain your relationship with your wife.) Remember that just because you tell them now, it doesn't mean you have to take action immediately. You can still wait until January to separate and start legal proceedings. We wish you and your family the best in handling this very difficult situation. Please contact us if there is anything more we can do. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: You talk a lot about treating others respectfully. I think you have some good ideas, but I'm not really sure how to follow what you say and at the same time maintain my sanity: In my building, there is this really nice elderly man who I frequently had superficial conversations with. He helped me carry packages in the elevator a few times, and he even helped me with my trash when I had too much to carry. He seems really lonely, and I can tell he lives for the times when people have conversations with him. I have always tried to be nice, but I don't have the time to always be talking to him. A few months ago, I had some furniture delivered and he offered to help me set some of it up. I was having trouble by myself, so I took him up on his offer. We got to talking about computers, e-mail, and all of that and he told be that he just bought a computer and was trying to learn how to use it. I told him I would help him, thinking he helped me, I could help him. Bad idea. Now, every time I see him in the elevator, he needs help sending an e-mail, printing a letter, and on and on. I don't want to be harsh with him, but I can't stand it. I feel like a prisoner in my own building! I want to scream at him, "Leave me alone, I helped you enough already," but I know if I did, I would just feel guilty. What should I do? This is going too far and I need it to stop. --I've Helped Enough Dear I've Helped Enough: If you try to treat others respectfully in your life, you will most likely struggle at some point with finding the balance between treating others respectfully and treating yourself respectfully. Your situation is a perfect example of this: You don't want to be rude to your elderly neighbor, but you also need to honor your limitations and create healthy boundaries. First, remember that good neighbors are hard to find, so appreciate your "really nice" neighbor (a rarity!) and his willingness to help you. As far as solving your problem so that you don't end up losing your cool and shouting something hurtful (e.g. "Leave me alone, I helped you enough already!"), here are a few ideas: To make helping him less stressful for you, be honest and tell him when you are too busy. Then, set up a time to get together that is less inconvenient for you. When you do take time to help him, instead of just sending the e-mail or printing the letter for him, teach him how to do these things by himself: Make sure he is the one sitting at the computer, and have him take his own notes so that he can send e-mails and print letters when he is alone. This might take more time now, but hopefully, this will help him to become more self-sufficient, requiring your assistance less and less. Also, take a few minutes to Google technology/computer courses for senior citizens in your area. You will undoubtedly find many resources for helping your neighbor learn the computer. In fact, many community colleges and senior centers have classes and individual lessons available at little or very low cost. Print out the information, and keep it in your bag or briefcase so that you can give it to him the next time you run into him. When you see him, say something like, "I was thinking about you the other day and found this information for you. I know you really want to learn how to use your computer, and I'm always so busy. I thought you might enjoy learning the computer with other beginners, and here are some places close by that will be able to help you. I don't want you to always have to be waiting for me." If you try these suggestions and he still pesters you, you may have to firmly tell him you are too busy. Repeat as necessary, but there is no reason to be harsh while doing so. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: My neighbor, "Mary," and I have been friends for twenty years. We have always watched out for one another's homes when we are on vacation, shared visits by the mailbox, and have never had any trouble - until now. Two years ago, Mary and her husband got a cat. They had two dogs already, but wanted a cat for their grandchildren to enjoy when they came to visit. We have never had any trouble with their dogs, but their cat climbs their fence and comes over to our backyard all the time and uses our garden as her private bathroom area. I have mentioned this to Mary because it stinks so badly in the springtime, and in the summer she digs up my plants and makes a complete mess. I was very polite and just asked what we can do. Mary looked at me like I had insulted her and muttered back that she didn't think it was her cat. I told her that I had seen her cat in my garden numerous times, but she just shook her head and said that I must be mixing her cat up with someone else's. This has gone on too long. My husband wants to call animal control, but I don't want to start a whole war with the neighbors. I just talked to her about it again yesterday and she just closed up. What should I do? I really like Mary and want to live in peace, but our backyard smells so badly and our garden is nearly ruined. Please help!! --I Want My Backyard Back Dear I Want My Backyard Back: You have to decide what you want more: your garden and the use of your backyard or your neighborly friendship with Mary. For us, the decision would be pretty easy: We'd follow your husband's advice and call animal control. While we completely understand your desire to be on good terms with Mary, you have already given her the benefit of the doubt by going to her first. However, since her only response has been denial (even though you know it's her cat destroying your garden), she has basically left you with no choice but to contact animal control if you want her cat out of your backyard. You have a right to enjoy your property, and your neighbor's cat should not be allowed to dig up your garden and use it "as her private bathroom area." Mary is treating you and your husband disrespectfully by not making sure that her cat is under control, and if you don't have peace in your neighborhood, Mary is the one to thank. Mary may have been a good neighbor in the past, but in this instance, she is being a bad neighbor, plain and simple. Call animal control, and start enjoying your backyard. If she gets angry, that's her problem. On the other hand, if she realizes her poor judgment and starts treating you respectfully, put this behind you and move on. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I have about had it with my son. All his life, he has been in some kind of trouble or another. Ever since he was in high school, he has been in trouble with the law. Nothing serious, just small stuff like driving without a license or insurance. He also can't keep a job. He loses his temper and gets fired. Now he is an unemployed, single father of two small children. I love the grand kids - and so does my wife, but I am so tired of getting him out of his messes. He doesn't have enough money to pay for their clothes. The oldest just started school. How will he be able to raise good kids if he can't even live right himself. He is my biggest mistake (but I don't really know what I did wrong) and all I can say is thank God I only had one kid. Do I continue to help him for the sake of his kids, or do I wash my hands of the whole mess once and for all? --My Son Is No Man Dear My Son Is No Man: Before we discuss whether or not you should continue helping your son, please ask yourself and honestly answer this question: Do you feel your grandchildren are well cared for and safe? The Child Welfare Information Gateway not only defines child neglect, but also helps you handle these extremely difficult situations: If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected or if you are a child who is being maltreated, contact your local child protective services office or law enforcement agency, so professionals can assess the situation. Many States have a toll-free number to call to report suspected child abuse or neglect. To find out where to call, consult the Information Gateway publication, Child Abuse Reporting Numbers. If your grandchildren are not being neglected, but are nonetheless suffering from their father's irresponsibility, it still puts you in a very troubling position, and our hearts go out to you. Living according to Magna Sententia, adults take responsibility for themselves and their children, and if you take on your adult son's responsibilities, he will never become self-sufficient. However, you may not want to "wash [your] hands of the whole mess" because of your grandchildren. Fortunately, there are many ways you can help your grandchildren without "enabling" your son. The idea is to directly provide your grandchildren with specific goods or services they need: Take them shopping for clothes, have them over for dinner, buy their school supplies, pay their medical bills (make sure you actually see and send in the bill!), or start a college fund for them. Whatever you do, do not give your son money "for the grandchildren." Most likely, he will either spend it unwisely or on himself. The best thing you can do for your grandchildren is to stay involved and be a good influence: Invite their friends over so you know who they are spending time with, attend their curriculum night and parent-teacher conferences, and just listen. They need you to be the someone they can look up to who is a positive role model for their lives. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I feel trapped and need some advice. I don't feel comfortable asking my friends or family because I don't want my wife to find out. I have been married for nine years. We have three kids. I love my kids, but it's to the point where I don't think I love my wife anymore. She is bossy, controlling, and everything always has to be her way "for the kids." A divorce would be a big war, but the way I'm feeling, I'm about ready for the battle. The way she acts, she thinks all I am good for is lists of things to do and earning money to pay off stuff we couldn't afford in the first place. What should I do? I will miss my kids if we get divorced, but I hate my life. --Stuck & Torn Dear Stuck & Torn: Only you can decide if divorce really is your lone option; however, we do have a few thoughts for you to consider while making your decision: Unfortunately, your wife sounds like many people we have met or observed. Instead of treating their partners as a partner, in the truest sense of the word, they treat their partners as they would a babysitter, errand runner, or housekeeper: someone they consider inferior and expendable. Regrettably, it appears to us that increasingly more couples have this dynamic in their relationship, and it is about time everyone put a stop to it. Obviously, this behavior is not good for marriages (or committed relationships), and it is also extremely unhealthy for children. Children will never treat their father respectfully if they grow up watching their mother boss him around all of the time and treat him like a hired hand of little importance. So, to your wife and all the other men and women out there who mirror your wife's behavior, please listen: Treat your partner with the utmost respect, at all times. This means never belittling him or her in front of your children, or in private. Your partner is your equal, and he or she must never be made to feel as though you think of him or her as simply someone who is expected to earn money, do the shopping, clean the dishes, or help with the laundry. As a couple, you are to work together to raise your children, teaching them to take responsibility for themselves and treat themselves and others respectfully. The only way this can be accomplished is if you and your partner model are positive role models on a daily basis. Husbands and wives, treat your partner with honor and respect; otherwise, he or she is completely justified in leaving you. Individuals deserve better than to be their partner's doormat. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: Our neighbors across the street are the nicest couple you would ever want to meet. They help us with our kids whenever we ask them, they remember our special days, and they even bring our kids little gifts when they go out for the day. They are both in their sixties and I am just so mad at their kids. Their kids never visit these two great people, and one of their daughters doesn't even talk to them. How can they be so mean to such nice parents? I want to call or write all three of their kids and tell them I think it is disgusting how they treat their mom and dad, but my husband thinks I should just stay out of it. Would it be wrong for me to step in and tell those kids to start treating their parents better? --Caring Neighbor Dear Caring Neighbor: There's a name for individuals who insert themselves in what is none of their business without knowing all (or any) of the facts: busybody. Even if your neighbors are "the nicest" to you and your family, you still don't have the faintest idea as to how they were (and are) as parents. In our experience, children are never estranged from their parents for no reason, and nine times out of ten, it's for good reason. What you think is "disgusting" behavior may in fact be their children simply having some self-respect. Remember that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors: Maybe they were awful parents. Maybe their children are spoiled rotten and can't appreciate how wonderful they really are. Regardless, the fact remains that you don't know, and you'll never know because you will only ever hear one side of the story. Please follow the Axiom of Respect, listen to your husband, and "just stay out of it." --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am so frustrated with the customers I work with, I would like to walk away from my job tomorrow but of course I can't do that. I deliver furniture and when we go into people's homes, I feel like screaming and yelling every day. Housewives who think they own the world, moan and groan, yell at you for stepping on their carpet, demand that you move all the furniture in the room, not just what you deliver, and then want you to rearrange the furniture if they don't like the way it looks. Then there's the men, looking over the furniture like it costs a million dollars and was made to last three lifetimes. If they wanted heirloom quality, why didn't they buy it, and not the cheap stuff I am delivering to them. I try to be polite, but as the days go on I am getting more frustrated, and I am having a harder time keeping my cool. Any advice? --I'm A Delivery Guy, Not An Interior Decorator Dear Delivery Guy: While we understand your frustration, please keep in mind that your customers may be overreacting to you because of their prior unpleasant experiences with delivery personnel. Unfortunately, there are delivery personnel who are not the least bit careful, damaging carpet or flooring, the items being delivered, or other furniture. No, it isn't fair of your customers to take the past out on you, but the fact is that if they've already had a negative experience, it is quite likely they will start anxious. The calmer and more patient you are, the easier it will be for them to relax and see that you are different. On the other hand, if you seem frustrated or irritated, you may unintentionally aggravate the situation. According to Magna Sententia, we must treat others respectfully in all social interactions, and deliveries are a very common social interaction. So how can customers best treat delivery personnel respectfully? And how can delivery personnel best treat customers respectfully? Customers: Have your homes ready with a route cleared that provides delivery personnel easy access to the area you have prepared for your new furniture. Again, prepare the area for the new furniture before the delivery personnel arrive, rearranging old furniture beforehand when necessary. While it is understandable that you will want to confirm the quality of the items you just received, have reasonable expectations and remember that delivery personnel are not responsible for the faults of their employers (or your choice in furnishings). If furniture arrives damaged, politely ask that the specifics be recorded and for information regarding how their employer (notice their employer, not them) will help resolve your problem. Delivery Personnel: Be good representatives of your employers by acting in a way that promotes good customer relations. Leave customers' homes in as close a condition as possible to the way it was when you arrived. To accomplish this, have a clean pair of shoes (or drop cloths or booties) and take extra care not to hurt carpet, flooring, or other items while moving in the new furniture. If you accidentally harm something, promptly apologize and make sure these items are repaired or replaced as quickly as possible. If the furniture you are delivering is damaged, apologize to the customer on behalf of your employer and do what you can to help them resolve the situation. Thanks so much for your question! It serves as an excellent reminder that we all must be polite and treat one another respectfully when receiving or making a delivery, making it a more pleasant experience for everyone involved. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: My mother-in-law, "Paula," is really the sweetest woman and the best mother-in-law you could ask for. There is just one problem (and I hate to even call it that): She likes to give me "knick knacks" to display in my home, and even though I do appreciate her thinking of me, I really don't like them. Not only are they not my taste, in my opinion, having all these little things displayed make the house cluttered. I like things neat and orderly without too much stuff. What should I do? I would never want to make her feel badly or seem ungrateful, but I don't want to keep pretending to like them because this has only made her give me more. Should I tell her? Or should I just bite my lip and be thankful that she is so nice to me? Please help! --Not Ungrateful Dear Not Ungrateful: You are quite fortunate to have a mother-in-law who is "really the sweetest woman and the best mother-in-law you could ask for," and yes, please be truly thankful for her. Pursuing Magna Sententia means always trying to treat others respectfully, and considering how nice Paula is, it would be disrespectful of you to offend or hurt her over knick knacks. But that doesn't mean you don't have a problem. Here's a solution: Purchase a small-to-medium sized display case to match your decor, and use it to display as many knick knacks from Paula as will fit. The next time she is over, show it to her and say something along the lines of: "I bought this case for all of those nice things you've bought me, and when I look at it, I think of you." When Paula gives you additional items (or as the seasons change), rotate what is on display in the case, putting the items that don't fit away in storage. That way, there is an upper limit on how many knick knacks are displayed, the "clutter" is contained to one space, and she will never think you are ungrateful. Just view this as making room for Paula in your life, but honoring your boundaries at the same time. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am a high school math teacher and have been for the past 18 years. I used to love my job, but now, as the new school year approaches, I am dreading it! The kids have no respect for their teachers anymore, and when I try to make them behave, their parents always take their side. Even if they don't study or do their homework and do poorly on their tests, I fear failing them because of their parents and the administration. (I get in trouble if I fail too many of them.) Kids used to be better behaved, the community used to be on the teachers' side, and an "A" used to mean an "A." Thinking about the way it is now compared to how it used to be almost makes me ill. I don't want to give up on the kids. It's not their fault. But I don't know if I can take it anymore. What should I do? --Troubled Teacher Dear Troubled Teacher: First, thank you for all of your years teaching math. The children of our country are our future, and we appreciate all of your efforts to instruct and guide them. Unfortunately, your story is one we hear quite frequently, and unless things change, no one will want to become a teacher because of the poor behavior of students and lack of parental support for teachers. More and more often, excellent teachers are choosing to find less stressful jobs where they are given more respect. This is a completely justifiable option for you as well. It is our hope that more parents will start teaching their children proper classroom conduct, respect for others, and basic manners. For their part, in order for teachers to be trusted by parents, they must behave impeccably: When parents hear horror stories about teachers like former Nebraska middle school math teacher Kelsey Peterson (who is serving six years in federal prison for having a sexual relationships with her 12-year-old student), it is difficult for them to not to take their children's side. Under Magna Sententia, parents are responsible for their children. Consequently, if a child is misbehaving and disrupting his or her class, or not performing adequately, it is truly the parent's responsibility to correct this behavior. If the poor behavior continues, there must be some real repercussions. Schools should expel or fail students who interfere with other students' educations or can't meet minimum academic standards. Regrettably, until children's behavior at school has real consequences and teachers hold themselves to a standard of behavior above reproach, your dilemma will play itself out daily in the lives of many of our best and most treasured teachers. Please let us know what you decide to do! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: Three months ago, I met this girl. Let's call her "Jessica." She pretended to be my friend so I would give her a plant for her yard. Once I gave her the plant, she stopped talking to me. Now, two months later, she contacts me asking me for help with a computer project. This totally frustrates me. I would like to tell her to go #@$% herself, but I am sure that this is not within the guidelines of Magna Sententia. What is the proper way to handle this problem? --Frustrated & Feeling Used Dear Frustrated: You are completely justified in feeling frustrated; it is very disrespectful of Jessica to only talk to you when she needs something. No, the way you suggest telling her to "get lost" is not in accordance with Magna Sententia: Part of living the Axiom of Respect is holding yourself to a high standard of behavior, even when people mistreat you. This does not mean, however, that you should put up with Jessica's behavior. Do not help her with her computer project or instigate further communication with her. Although we believe the easiest way to Release her would be to just let it go (she'll stop calling when she figures out you aren't going to help her anymore), if it would really make you feel better, you could respond with something like, "Jessica, I'm not going to help you with your project. You only contact me when you need something, and I don't appreciate being treated like that. Don't contact me again." Personally, we aren't sure this kind of confrontation is worth it because most likely, anything you say won't cause her to change. The choice is up to you, but whatever you decide, take the high road. Looking back, this will make you feel good about yourself and your character. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I bought your book and liked the section on "Cordiality." However, my question does not seem to be answered in your book: It seems that more and more when I am in a restaurant with one of my friends, and she leaves the table for a few minutes, men come to our table and sit down, expecting me to talk to them. I think this is completely obnoxious, and while I don't want to be rude, I am getting increasingly annoyed. How should I act in this situation? I want to "treat others respectfully," but I am getting angrier every time this happens. Thanks. --Annoyed By Rude Men Dear Annoyed: This is a really excellent question because it essentially boils down to learning how to balance "treating yourself respectfully" and "treating others respectfully," two very important concepts that at times can seem to be at odds with one another: Clearly, the former greatly outweighs the latter when it comes to personal safety and the safety of others. If one of these obnoxious guys won't leave you alone and you feel threatened, do not hesitate to take steps to protect yourself (alert restaurant personnel, make sure someone accompanies you to your car, etc.). It is better to be safe than sorry! It is utterly presumptuous and rude for men to come and sit at your table without permission, especially when you are all alone. Please don't confuse "treating others respectfully" with being a pushover who puts up with inappropriate behavior (which, by the way, would not be "treating yourself respectfully"). Rather, it means holding yourself to a high standard of behavior, even when you have to stand up for yourself. (Don't just start cursing these men out!) Put simply, balancing "treating yourself respectfully" and "treating others respectfully" could be defined as having strength and character. If this happens to you again, tell the guy in no uncertain terms that you want him to leave your table. For instance, you could say, "I'm not interested in talking to you. Please leave," or "I don't remember giving you permission to sit at my table. Now go back to your own." These examples may sound harsh, but they are quite reasonable given the situation. Your anger is justified, but you will certainly feel much better if you are direct and stand up for yourself the next time. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: Please help. I am 60 years old, married to my husband for the last 35 years, and going nuts because he won't lift a finger to make our falling apart home nice again. We moved here 22 years ago, and the house was brand new. We raised our kids, and now the place needs some major fixing up, but he refuses. He says things are fine, and he is too tired to start a big project anyway. In the 22 years we have lived here, I have re-painted a few rooms, but nothing else, and now we need new carpet, new furniture, new flooring in the bathroom, and a whole lot of other stuff. The place is embarrassing and awful. How can I get my husband to understand that I am not being unreasonable when I ask him to help fix up the house and also agree with me that we need to put some money into it? Thanks in advance. --Hate Living Here Dear Hate Living Here: Part of Magna Sententia's Axiom of Respect is treating property respectfully, and letting your home fall into disrepair is not treating your home respectfully (not to mention imprudent, as this will almost certainly decrease the value of your home). You are being completely reasonable: After 22 years, we're quite sure that your home needs "new carpet, new furniture, new flooring in the bathroom, and a whole lot of other stuff!" To retain their value, homes must be maintained and occasionally updated. This doesn't mean you have to spend money you don't have, which may be your husband's chief concern. Prioritize your updates, and do your research to find good values. Everything doesn't have to be done all at once. True, things are just things; however, it is also true that how people take care of their things says a lot about them. While we don't advocate going into debt (especially for non-necessities), we also don't think you should have to live in a home you "hate." --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am a guy in my mid-thirties, and I have worked really hard all of my life to make something of myself. I've always been responsible and tried to do the best I could. My career is great, but my personal life is almost nonexistent. The problem is that I don't want to go with a party girl or a man-hater. I know that sounds harsh, but it really seems to be all that is out there. Either they are wild and irresponsible, or responsible and insist on proving that they don't need a man. Isn't there anyone in between? I'm not a chauvinist. I think it's great that women have choices and careers. I would just like a feminine, responsible girlfriend who doesn't mind if I buy her dinner. Is this too much to ask? Are my standards too high? I don't want to be a picky jerk who is alone forever, but I don't want to settle either. What should I do? --Where Have All The Good Women Gone? Dear Where Have All The Good Women Gone?: You don't sound like a "picky jerk" to us. In fact, we think you seem quite sensible, and we encourage you to look at your situation in a different light: You are a guy in your mid-thirties who, while admittedly lonely, has not messed up your life getting involved with the wrong women. This takes courage and determination, and you should be commended for accomplishing this because it is very difficult to be alone. Just think of all the men your age who haven't been so strong! They have children from their first marriage they don't get to see as much as they'd like, or their heart breaks every time they think of their ex-wife since they didn't want a divorce in the first place. Some are in the middle of their second divorce, wondering how they will ever pay child support for their three children to two different women. Then, there are those who are already all used up because the only thing they've done is party and have meaningless sex. Would you like to change places with any of these men? From where we're sitting, you are doing very well! You have kept your life drama and mess free, and you have the freedom to spend your time and money as you please. There have always been, and will always be, wild and irresponsible women and men. Further, there will always be women with a "don't-need-a-man" attitude. However, you must remember that there are also some really wonderful women out there who don't fall into either category: They are responsible and want to share their life with the man they love. Since you admit that your personal life is "almost nonexistent," we suggest that you stop looking for the "right" woman and get involved with groups that appeal to you and/or causes that are important to you. This will introduce you to new people (both women and men) who share your interests and beliefs, and by making new friends, the odds are that you will feel less frustrated and lonely. What's more, if you work on causes that are important to you, you will feel that your life has more meaning. You still have lot of time in your life to find your partner, and all it takes is one! In the meantime, building a fulfilling personal life will be both satisfying and rewarding, something that can't be said of getting involved with the wrong one. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: My wife did something the other day that really made me mad, but she thinks I'm overreacting. What do you think? A few weeks ago, I was mowing the lawn when my wife came out and told me that the clothes I was wearing were too "ratty" for the neighbors to see. I told her they are my work clothes, they are supposed to be ratty. I thought it was the end of it, but yesterday I came home from work and all of my work clothes were missing. I asked her about it, and she said she threw them out. I tried to recover them, but they were already gone. This made me really angry, but my wife just doesn't understand why. It turned into a huge fight. I said that taking my stuff without asking was disrespectful, and she said that I was lucky she actually cared about what I look like. What do I do? I could end the fight by apologizing for what I said, but I don't want to. Shouldn't she have asked me first? Wasn't that disrespectful? --Missing My Old Shirts Dear Missing My Old Shirts: It is completely reasonable for you to be upset with your wife over this incident, but maybe instead of fighting about it, the two of you can learn how to communicate more effectively and relate to one another in a more positive way because of it. We agree with you: Your wife throwing away your clothes without your permission is disrespectful (no matter what they looked like!). It is always disrespectful to assume that we can take another person's belongings and do with them what we wish. (This applies to partners, parents, co-workers, neighbors, and everyone else!) However, your wife may not realize this, so this will hopefully be an opportunity for her to grow. Given her response that you are "lucky she actually care[s] about what [you] look like," she most likely never intended to be disrespectful at all. In fact, she may have had good intentions: She thought you needed new clothes, and the first step was getting rid of the old ones. Please understand, even if this is the case, we still disagree with your wife's actions; we are merely throwing this out as a reason for her behavior, (even though this reason does not justify her poor judgment.) To mend your relationship now, sit down with your wife and calmly explain to her that while you appreciate the fact that she cares about your appearance, you do not want her to just take your things (clothes or anything else!) and throw them away without your knowledge. Explain that by doing this, she makes you feel like she has no consideration for your desires, thus damaging the bond between the two of you. Remind her of a time in her own life when someone treated her in a similar manner, and how hurt she felt. If you can't think of such a time, describe an experience of someone with whom you are both close. By doing this, she will be able to better understand how her actions made you feel. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I've noticed you have a few articles about transsexuals on your website, so maybe you can help me with this. My 20-year-old son just told me he is really a girl. What in the world does this mean? He is every bit a male to me. He looks like a guy, talks like a guy, acts like a guy, and has even had a few girlfriends. How can be a girl? He says that he has been a girl all his life. I don't know what to do. Do I take him to a psychiatrist? Is there something wrong with him mentally? Is he sick? I just feel like I have been hit by a truck, and I don't have any idea what to say to him, or how he expects to be a female when he is a male. He told me that his real name is Julia, which totally blew me away. Is he insane? God, I am scared to death. What do I do? Where do I go for help? How can this be happening? --Desperate Dad Dear Desperate Dad: We know it feels like you were just hit by a truck, but please know that there are so many parents who are struggling right along with you, and not only can you and your family get through this together, but your child can go on to lead a happy, fulfilling life. First and foremost, you must believe your child (really, your daughter): If she says that she has been a girl all her life, she has really been a girl all her life. This can be extremely hard to understand, especially if you have not had exposure to this issue and your child has put up a "male" front all of these years so that she wouldn't be rejected by you, the rest of your family, and society in general. Let's begin with the facts: Your child is a male-to-female transsexual, or transsexual woman. What does this mean? Transsexualism is "a condition in which a person identifies with a physical sex different from the one with which they were born." (Wikipedia: "Transsexualism") This means that the physical sex of transsexual people's bodies does not match the gender of their brains. For instance, your child identifies as a woman, even though she was born biologically male. Transsexualism has nothing to do with mental illness, sex, sexual activity, or sexual orientation. (There are heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual transsexual individuals.) On the contrary, there is increasing evidence that transsexualism is a medical condition that develops in utero and is "hard-wired" into the brain. For example, one of the ways you can tell male and female brains apart is the "central subdivision of the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BSTc)," a part of the hypothalamus. ("A Sex Difference In The Human Brain And Its Relation To Transsexuality") The BSTc is consistently "larger in men than in women," and when researchers dissected the brains of male-to-female transsexuals (MTFs), they discovered that MTFs have brains with a "female-sized" BSTc. "This study [was] the first to show a female brain structure in genetically male transsexuals and supports the hypothesis that gender identity develops as a result of an interaction between the developing brain and sex hormones." Also, "regardless of sexual orientation, men had almost twice as many somatostatin neurons as women." ("Male-To-Female Transsexuals Have Female Neuron Numbers In A Limbic Nucleus") In a separate study, researchers found that "the number of neurons in the BSTc of male-to-female transsexuals was similar to that of the females" and "the neuron number of a female-to-male transsexual was found to be in the male range." Transsexualism is not a choice. Your child was born with a female brain and a male body, and there is nothing she can do to make herself identify as a man. Deep inside, she will always, always identify as female, and she must transition (live as her true gender) for her own well-being. You may be confused by this because of the persona your child has built to protect herself from rejection. (Countless transsexual youths are abandoned and/or horribly mistreated by their families.) Personally, we have spoken with numbers of individuals just like your child who pretended to be something they were not because they felt they had to in order to survive. This is something that has to be worked through because if one member of the family has never been able to be her true self, all of the family relationships are affected and will have to change for the family as a whole to move forward. As one of our dear transgender friends once told us, "During transition, while it seems that we are the ones transitioning, it really is everyone else surrounding us who has to change." To help Julia start her transition, use the "Resources" page of Gender.org to help her find a therapist in your area who specializes in gender identity disorder. It is extremely important that you find an informed, quality healthcare professional who knows the ins and outs of the transition process and can serve as a guide for your daughter and family. (Another excellent web resource is TSRoadmap.com.) Down the road, we hope you can get to a place where you can embrace your child in her new role as your daughter. You will have to mourn the loss of your "son" to do this, and please allow yourself this time, as it is probably the only way you will be able to truly move forward. When you are ready, we know it would mean the world to Julia to use her new name, as well as the correct pronouns and nouns (she, her, daughter, etc.). Remember, transition is a long, winding journey for everyone involved, and it is your child you love, not the role she played or image she presented in the past. Further, if you really want to know who she is, the only way this can occur is for you to fully support her transition. Please utilize some of the wonderful resources available for transsexuals and their families, such as Trans Youth Family Allies. In addition, if there is ever anything we can do for you, please do not hesitate to contact us. --Anna & Ellie References 2. Zhou J.-N., Hofman M. A., Gooren L. J. G., & Swaab, D. F. (1995). A sex difference in the human brain and its relation to transsexuality. Nature, 378, 68-70. [Full Text, as reprinted in The International Journal of Transgenderism, 1(1)] Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I was hoping you could give me some advice. I have been friends with this girl for a few years now. Lately, we've been drifting apart. I'm not sure what to do about it. We used to be really close and would talk all of the time. Now, we barely communicate, if at all, and most of that is just one-way: me-to-her. I'm honestly not sure what her deal is. I try to find out what's going on with her, but she is usually either very vague in her answers or non-responsive. The thing is though, this really hurts. It hurts a lot. I thought we were good friends; not best friends or anything like that, but good enough. I don't get why she isn't really talking to me anymore. I've always tried to be a good friend to her. You know, be there if she needs someone to talk to, give advice and all that. So, I don't think I did anything wrong to ruin the friendship. We've been growing apart for awhile now, but it got worse when she got a boyfriend. I'm not asking for constant attention. I don't care about that at all. I just wish that when she did talk to me, or I guess text because she's refused to talk on the phone because she "doesn't like it" but she knows I don't like texting, I want to be acknowledged as an actual human being - not just someone who you talk to when you need something. The problem really isn't how she is acting (I know it's crap and I don't deserve to be treated like this), it's how I'M acting in response to it. I know it's basically over between us, and a big part of me just wants to say screw it and move on. I wish I could do that. But there's always this part of me that doesn't want to give up hope or give up the friendship, even though it just makes me feel bad and it sucks. I feel like I've put so much into trying to be a nice person, and have spent a lot of time interacting with this person, I'd feel like I'd just wasted the last few years when I could have been looking for a better friend. I wish it was back to the way it used to be. I know that'll never happen. What can I do to just move on? --Hurting Dear Hurting: The fact that you understand the real issue is your response to your friend's behavior shows us that you are approaching your problem in a healthy manner and that you are really thinking things through. We're proud of you! Also, you sound like someone who takes their friendships seriously, and that is a wonderful (and unique) quality. Unfortunately, many people do not truly value their friends and loved ones, which is very sad. We know that sooner or later you will find some really special people to include in your life. Before we address you moving on, are you absolutely sure your friendship is over? It has been our experience that over the years, the nature of many of our relationships change: If we know someone for long enough, there are bound to be times when our relationship is closer as well as more distant, even though the underlying friendship still exists. On the other hand, there are friendships that fade away, and in these cases, it is best to let go and not hold on to something that isn't really there. You will have to judge this particular friendship for yourself. Moving on is a challenge, and it takes time, especially when we miss someone very much. We know you are deeply hurt, but please do not think that the last few years of your friendship have been a waste. Obviously, you enjoyed your time with her, and she most likely enjoyed her time with you (if not, you would have stopped hearing from her long before now). The fading of your friendship does not mean that she never cared about you; it just means that for her, life has gone in a different direction, and she needs to concentrate on other relationships (her new boyfriend) and areas of her life. Since she does not share the details of her life with you, there is no way for you to know what is going on with your friend. It could be a multitude of things, and in all probability, none of them involve you (although we know that doesn't make it hurt any less). All of this does not make her bad or you unworthy of a good friend, it just means that your friendship may have run its course. The first part of moving on includes allowing yourself to mourn the loss of your friendship: Cry. Let yourself feel the pain of your loss. Then write a letter to your friend (that you won't send) telling her how much she meant to you and that you are really going to miss her. After the letter is completed, do something with it symbolizing that you accept the fact that the friendship is over (put it away in a special place, bury it, etc.). Give yourself a specific time frame for mourning (but no longer than a few days). When the mourning period is over, it is over. After that, try your best not to think of your friend, and when you do, say something to yourself like, "Goodbye (your friend's name), I wish you well." This will help you let go. After grieving your loss, you will have an empty space in your life that you need to fill. (If you don't fill it, you will only remain sad.) When people move out of our lives, there is often more room for others we didn't even notice or know existed. How are your other relationships? Are they as close as they could be? Maybe now would be the perfect time for you to make the good relationships you do have even more meaningful by spending more time and effort on them. Also, take this opportunity to seek out new experiences and relationships. What are your hobbies? Are there any hobbies you have always wanted to try? Enroll in some fun classes where you can easily meet others who share your interests (cooking, gardening, sewing, hiking, painting, a political cause), and make an honest effort to form new friendships. Again, this will take extra effort, but you will meet some nice people if you give it enough time. We know you may find this difficult to believe today, but the old adage, "Time heals all wounds," will be true for you. You seem much too thoughtful of a friend to be lonely for very long. The people you do have in your life are very lucky to have you, and your new friends will surely be happy when you find them! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am continually stressed and don't know what to do - Please help! I can't keep up with all of the e-mails, telephone calls, having people over to dinner, and all the other social aspects of life. I have a family, a part-time job, and I never have time to do all the things I have to do. I feel like I will make my friends feel like I don't care about them if I don't return their correspondence or reciprocate their dinner invitations, but I just can't do all of this stuff that is seemingly required to maintain relationships in today's world. Where am I going wrong? How does everyone else keep up with all of this? (And this doesn't even include the networking and relationship building that I try to do on a professional level.) I feel like I am drowning. --Why Can't I Do What Everyone Else Is Doing? Dear Why Can't I?: First of all, we believe that you are incorrect in assuming that everyone else except you easily keeps up with family, work, and friends. Millions and millions of people have your exact problem; you are not alone in this struggle! Yes, there are those who seem to be able to effortlessly manage an incredible amount, but in our experience, looks can be deceiving. If you were to truly know the lives of these individuals, you would most likely find areas of their lives that could use more attention. No one can escape the fact that there is only so much time in a day! You may not like this advice, but to relieve your stress, something has to give: You must prioritize your relationships and make changes accordingly. This means you will probably have to let go of a few friendships, as it is simply impossible to keep adding friends and obligations without your life suffering the consequences. Don't feel badly about this: No one can be friends with everyone and expect to have meaningful relationships. Following Magna Sententia, we are all responsible for ourselves and the lives we create, and the reality is we only have so much to give. Start by making a list of all the people in your life with whom you currently have a relationship. Now, order your list so that those who are the most important to you are on the top, working your way down through those to whom you feel less connected. (This does not mean these people are bad; this only means that you feel your relationship is not as close.) Next, think about how much time you need to devote to the most important people in your life in order to build the relationship you want to have with them. You will soon discover that to have close, meaningful relationships with those at the top of your list, you will not have much time left over to give to more superficial relationships. If you prioritize your time based on the dedication you have for those at the top of your list, your life will be a whole lot less stressful. Further, you will have confidence letting some e-mails go unanswered, some invitations go unreturned, and some relationships slip away because you know the reason for your decision is to have more meaningful relationships with those closest to you. It is extremely unhealthy to go through life continually stressed, and there are times when our health has to be more important than other people's feelings. We are not advocating selfishness; on the contrary, the best way to be emotionally available for those in our lives is to manage our lives well and not bite off more relationships than we can chew. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am 15 years old and just finished my high school freshman year. Please help me. I am so lonely at school. I cry every night and hope I will wake up the next day in a different place with a different life. I have no friends, even though I try to be nice. I guess I am just not cool enough for someone to talk to me. I don't get it either. I am not fat, I try to keep myself looking good, I try to get good grades, but nothing helps. I feel like I must be invisible. The only good thing is kids don't bully me. What can I do to have some friends? --Invisible Girl Dear Invisible Girl: We are very sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. Please know that you are having the same experience so many people have while in their teens. You are not alone. For many people, life gets easier after high school. The hard part will be getting through the next three years. We know you can do it, you have us behind you, and you can contact us any time. What is incredibly important for you to understand is that your current situation is not your fault. You try to be nice, get good grades, and keep yourself looking good. In fact, we wish we would have had a friend like you when we were in high school! It sounds like you are exactly the type of person who will go through tremendous suffering now, only to be successful in life. High school has such a strange and backward culture: From our experience, the individuals who are popular in high school are the ones who don't always do much with their lives and those who are unpopular are the ones who tend to make it in the real world. To help make your next three years more bearable, we must try to alleviate some of your loneliness. What are your favorite subjects/academic interests? Many high schools have foreign language clubs, math clubs, knowledge bowl teams, and drama clubs, in addition to philanthropic groups. Set up a meeting with your school counselor, and tell him or her that you would like to try getting more involved in extracurricular activities. Then pick a few (not just one), and go to their very first meeting when school begins again in the fall. There will most likely be more "new" people on that first day, which presents the best opportunity for you to join and feel a part of the group. Even if you don't love everything about the group, remember that the goal is to find just one or two friends to make your situation better. What about your life outside of school? Do you have hobbies? Do you like to play any sports? Perhaps you could enroll in summer tennis, dance, or golf lessons for teens your age. You may meet some friends that way, and even if you don't, you might gain some skills that would give you the confidence to join a team at school. Additionally, when you are lying awake at night, instead of thinking about how lonely you are now, concentrate on all of the goals you have for your future and how in three (seemingly long and torturous, but in reality short) years, you will have the power to work toward making your life what you want it to be. Do not give up hope: One day, you will be in a different place with a different life, and you most certainly won't stay invisible forever! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I recently became involved with an ex-boyfriend. It was very unexpected, yet I found myself becoming very attached to him again, even though it ended badly last time. I am unsure as to what his intentions are, but am afraid that he may be seeing someone else, and keeping his options open. I know that we both care deeply for each other, but am afraid that he still doesn't know what he wants. I think I need to cut it off again, but am consumed by my memories of the good times we had together. Please help me get him off of my mind! --Burned Again Dear Burned Again: While you are the only person who can truly get your ex-boyfriend off your mind, we can help you look at your situation objectively so that your decision regarding your relationship with him has the best probable outcome. Admittedly, we have limited information, and you know your situation better than we do; however, let's start with your signed name, "Burned Again." Your ex-boyfriend obviously hurt you in the past, and you think that you got the short end of the stick. Perhaps he lied to you or cheated on you, but whatever he did, you feel "burned." In addition, you worry about getting involved with him again because "it ended badly last time." You deserve someone you can trust! Never forget that. It is nearly impossible to trust someone when you are "unsure as to what his intentions are, but [are] afraid that he may be seeing someone else, and keeping his options open." Life and relationships are so difficult, and it is easy to let our emotions influence our decisions. When we find ourselves in situations such as yours, we need to step back and think about what how we are feeling and why, as well as all of the possible outcomes of our decision. In Magna Sententia, one of the ways we make important decisions is to apply deductive reasoning to our situation. Deductive reasoning is the reasoning technique in which conclusions are true because the information used to reach them are absolutely true. In deductive reasoning, true statements are arranged in an orderly fashion to form a complete line of reasoning. Further, the content of these statements determines the conclusion, so varying sets of true statements compel different conclusions. It is worth repeating that in deductive reasoning, a conclusion is proven true only if all of the statements used to prove it are true. If any of the statements used in the line of reasoning are actually false, the conclusion may or may not be true. We use deductive reasoning to reach conclusions solely about our feelings and behavior since it is impossible to know for certain that statements are absolutely true when they concern future events and influences or the feelings and intentions of others. The following is a hypothetical example of how deductive reasoning might work for you. (We are not trying to put words in your mouth; we just want to show you the process.) Start by asking yourself leading questions to help you gather all of the facts surrounding your situation:
Then, call up the facts in an orderly way, forming a complete line of reasoning that reaches a conclusion resolving what you should do about your ex-boyfriend:
Try this for yourself, and let us know if it helps and what you decide. If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact us! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: My 26-year-old son wants to borrow money from me and I am not sure I want to lend it to him. He is very responsible and I think he would pay me back, for some reason though, I just don't know if lending him money is a good idea. Since he graduated from college, he has paid back his college loans, paid for his apartment, purchased furniture and other living necessities, and always pays off his credit cards. Like I said, he is responsible. I don't know why I am hesitant. What do you think? I think he will be disappointed and wonder why if I do not lend him the money. He needs a new car and has not been able to save for a down payment. I can afford it. --Stingy Mom Dear Stingy Mom: You are not "stingy." Your son is an adult and therefore responsible for himself (according to Magna Sententia). You are in no way obligated to lend him money for a new car, even if he is financially responsible, and you should do so only if you truly want to. Most likely, you are hesitant to lend your son money because this could easily negatively affect your relationship: He could fail to pay you back or get in the habit of asking you for money, leaving you uncomfortable, frustrated, or angry. It is completely reasonable for you to be wary of lending out money or important items to family and friends. No one wants money or material objects to become a thorn in these relationships, so between family and friends, it is best to only lend out what you don't mind never seeing again. If you would like to help your son, perhaps you could give him a gift that is not as much as the whole down payment, but would help him on his way. Otherwise, tell your son that you know he is responsible, but it would make you too uncomfortable to lend him the money because you would never want money to come between the two of you. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I just found out last week that my wife has been having an affair for the past year. She says she has wanted to break if off since Christmas, but she hasn't. I want to leave and file for divorce, but then I think of our two kids. Should I break up our family? She told me yesterday that she is definitely going to end it. I don't know what to do. --Betrayed Dear Betrayed: You should ask her to leave, file for divorce, and make sure you get at least shared custody of your children. Under Magna Sententia, we are all responsible for making sure we include in our lives only those who treat us respectfully, and cheating wives do not fall into this category. Spouses who have affairs break the bond of trust in their marriages, and you deserve a spouse you can trust. Even healthy marriages have rough patches, and during these times, a trustworthy spouse voices his or her concerns about the relationship to his or her spouse so that they can work together to solve their problems. Sometimes, no amount of trying improves the marriage, and in these cases, a trustworthy spouse ends the marriage before starting another relationship. Having character means honoring your commitments and staying faithful until your marriage is over. There are marriages that survive an affair, but they are the exception, not the rule, because it is extremely difficult to overcome the broken trust. In general, people are either trustworthy or they are not, and it is illogical to stay dedicated to a marriage when your spouse has already proven that he or she is less than committed. Our answer may sound too harsh for some and too simplistic for others, but realistically, individuals would save themselves a lot of time and trouble by adopting this attitude. Your children are not reason enough to invest one more ounce of emotional energy into building a strong relationship with your wife. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I just returned home from visiting my son and his wife. They have three small children and I don't get to see them very often. I only stayed four days, but I am just sick about what I saw. The children are not fed properly and are mainly expected to fend for themselves. Their house is a disaster, although only on the inside - you would never know from the outside. Their sheets have not been cleaned in I don't know how long, a vacuum hasn't touched the carpet in months, and the bathrooms are disgusting. I didn't raise my son to live like this, but I think he is overwhelmed with all the demands on his time. He works long hours and is very tired when he returns home. His wife has a part-time job. I didn't know what to do. Should I have offered to help clean the house? Would that have offended them? Are their children safe? I am worried for the children being brought up in that type of environment. When does a grandparent need to step in and try to see what is going on? I don't want to be a bad mother-in-law, but I also don't want to turn a blind eye to a serious situation. Please help. I can't sleep I am so upset. --Grandma Dear Grandma: We commend you for caring enough about your grandchildren to reach out for help. According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway: If you suspect a child is being abused or neglected or if you are a child who is being maltreated, contact your local child protective services office or law enforcement agency, so professionals can assess the situation. Many States have a toll-free number to call to report suspected child abuse or neglect. To find out where to call, consult the Information Gateway publication, Child Abuse Reporting Numbers. Do not worry that you are overreacting. Given your description, it would be much better to err on the side of caution. After the authorities have assessed the situation, you may also offer help to your son and daughter-in-law, if this is your desire. Maybe you could lend a hand with the cleaning: If you can afford it, you might want to treat them to a weekly cleaning service, or if this is out of your price range, perhaps you could visit more often (once per month) and thoroughly clean the bathrooms and vacuum. Ultimately, however, your son and daughter-in-law are responsible for providing a safe environment for their children and parenting them properly (see Magna Sententia's Axiom of Responsibility). Please understand that if your son and his wife find out that you are the party who contacted the authorities, it is highly likely they will hold a grudge against you. Even if your concerns are completely reasonable, they may still think that you exaggerated the situation or invaded their privacy. Don't let this stop you! Having your son and daughter-in-law upset with you is a small price to pay for protecting your grandchildren from possible neglect. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: It's spring again, and all I can say is "Oh no!" The rain has stopped, the dark clouds have lifted, and my neighbors are out to get me. Not really. They just bombard me whenever I am outside working in the yard, sitting on my patio, or getting the mail. They're not nosy, they just seem to have a lot more free time than I do. To make matters worse, I can't even have a relaxing breakfast outdoors before my day gets started because my patio is on the side of my house for all to see. Please help. I don't want to be rude, but I need some privacy, and I need to get some things accomplished! --Please Leave Me Alone Dear Please Leave Me Alone: Unfortunately, there are always those individuals who do not understand (or ignore) the common social cues meant to hint that they have worn out their welcome: They start conversations when you are obviously busy and do not want to be bothered, and no matter how many times you tell them, "I'd better get going," they just keep talking and talking and talking! An integral part of Magna Sententia's Axiom of Respect is treating others respectfully. Now, it can be argued that by "bombarding" you, these people are not treating you respectfully, but you still want to deal with them in a respectful way and hold yourself to a high standard of behavior. This means do what you need to do, but don't be offensive while you're doing it. For example, the next time your neighbors catch you at the mailbox, be polite, but when you want to go, tell them, "It was nice to see you, but I have to get going. Have a great day," and then smile warmly and walk away. Don't just say you need to go, go! This isn't rude. You are simply taking control of the situation. When you are working in your yard and they keep talking, say, "It was really nice talking with you, but I'd better get back to work," and then start working. It's all about physically removing yourself from the conversation. There is a huge difference between being rude and respectfully ending visits that have gone on too long. As to your patio, is there any way you could make it more secluded with bushes, trees, fencing, or latticework? You certainly should be able to enjoy your patio without your neighbors interrupting you! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am a 32-year-old stay-at-home mom and I need your opinion. I don't want to ask my friends because their situations are different than mine, and if I ask my mom, she will not understand. My husband works hard at his job day in and day out. He gets home late in the evenings, and also works on Saturdays. On Sundays, he is too tired to do anything, so he usually just sleeps and watches sports all day. On Mondays, it starts all over again. I don't want to complain, but I am always alone with our four kids. He doesn't go to teacher conferences, doesn't help with homework, is never here for dinner, and he really doesn't do anything with them. On Sundays, he is home and he talks nicely to them, but again, he doesn't ever do anything with them. I feel like he doesn't really know them at all. I don't have to worry about money, I get to do everything I want with and for the kids, I am not being abused, or even mistreated for that matter, yet I am feeling more and more unhappy. Am I being selfish? Am I asking too much if I want my husband to be more involved with our kid's lives? I have not said a word to my husband because I do not want to seem unappreciative. Please give me some advice. --Mom & Her Kids Dear Mom & Her Kids: Even though you feel alone, please know that there are many, many moms out there just like you. We have a number of thoughts about your situation, the first being that you need to speak up and tell your husband how you feel. His reaction may surprise you. Just think: if your husband spends six days a week working so hard that on Sundays he only has enough energy to sit and watch television, he is obviously not taking care of himself (see Magna Sententia's Axiom of Responsibility). It is not good for anyone to work so much that he or she is exhausted and does not have any opportunity to nurture important relationships. Moreover, your husband is most likely taking such good care of your family financially because he cares deeply about your children's welfare, and the way things are now, he doesn't even have the chance to get to know the people for whom he is working so hard. He is missing out on building a loving and close relationship with your children, and that hurts everyone involved. In all probability, your husband does not know that his actions are making you unhappy. On the contrary, we would bet that he thinks he is doing everything he can to give you and your children a happy life. Was he close to his own father? Many times, our behavior is modeled after the individuals in our lives who influenced us the most, and in the past and still today, fathers have taken the responsibly for providing financially for their families extremely seriously and are unable to spend much time at home with their children as a result. While these fathers may not be as close to their children as is ideal, they are doing the best they can and what they believe is right. By opening up the lines of communication with your husband, you will be able to discover whether or not he is meeting his responsibilities as a husband and father the only way he knows how. Maybe he is unhappy as well. In fact, he might welcome a change: perhaps the family could get by on less, or you could take on more financial responsibility, so he would have more time with all of you. We cannot stress enough the importance of your husband having a strong emotional connection to you and your children. Just as you do, he needs to feel loved and appreciated. When people are working incredibly hard, but do not feel connected to their families, it becomes easier for them to succumb to finding companionship and love away from home. By bringing up your feelings, you will not only be giving him the chance to express his own frustrations with his work-only life, but you may also be protecting your marriage from infidelity. Again, it sounds to us like you really need to talk to him. Calmly explain how you are feeling in a loving, non-accusatory manner. (e.g. "I appreciate everything you do for our family so much, but I feel like I don't get to see you, and I miss you. And the kids miss you too.") Bring up some of the concerns and ideas we have shared with you, along with others of your own, and give him the opportunity to speak truly from his heart. Your husband can be an excellent father, provider, and husband without working his life away; it just takes open communication and a little creativity. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
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