Dear Anna and Ellie:

My daughter and her fiancé are to be married in just over a week. Unfortunately, the entire process around the wedding has been a fiasco regarding the groom's mother. She has tried to dictate everything from who is in the bridal party (and what they will wear) to what her husband will wear (she wants him in a tux to match the groomsmen and father of the bride). She has even tried to dictate what I wear to the wedding.

She whines and complains every step of the way when she doesn't get her way, and then stops communicating at all. She complained that she "wasn't involved" and then declined or ignored 6 invitations to visit the wedding venue. Every single step of the way this woman has given my daughter grief and cried (literally) about how she is "loosing her baby" and NOT gaining a daughter! I have tried to let my daughter and SIL deal with his mother, but am loosing sleep and picture the wedding day being a disaster.

I have continued to try and support my daughter and her future husband and suggested to both of them that my son in law is the one to talk with and deal with his mother. He has tried this - but one thing after another upsets his mother about my daughter and the fight is on again. Any suggestions??? I am loosing sleep over this and can see the wedding day being a disaster (especially if the mother of the groom drinks)!

--Mother Of The Bride

Dear Mother Of The Bride:

We are sorry that you are having so much trouble with your daughter's future mother-in-law. Life is tough enough without having to be involved with people who make what could be a beautiful occasion into a nightmare. You are correct when you tell your daughter and future son-in-law that he must be the one to "talk with and deal with his mother." If he cannot stand up to his mother about their wedding, their marriage could end in disaster.

As we have mentioned in other articles regarding this subject, weddings mean different things to different people, and because of this, they are often stressful. For example, some parents feel that everyone they know should be invited while others believe that the occasion is only for very close relatives. Considering this, we wonder what is behind the mother of the groom's behavior: Does she always behave like this, or is this an isolated incident?

If she is normally easygoing and understanding, then her son must sit down with her and find out what is bothering her so severely that it is making her act so unreasonably. You mentioned that she feels as though she is losing her son. Maybe he needs to have an open conversation with her and reassure her that not only is she not losing him, but it would also mean the world to him if she would try to focus on the fact that she is gaining a beautiful new daughter.

We must admit that we are worried for your daughter. You stated that when the groom tries to handle his mother, she continues to get "upset" about your daughter "and the fight is on." Trust us: If this doesn't stop, your daughter is getting into quite a mess. If his mother is always controlling, manipulative, and emotional, then there is no way anyone will be able to change this, before or after the wedding. (She will only change if and when she wants to change.)

You asked for our suggestions: Honestly, we would postpone the wedding until your daughter is positive that the groom's mother is not going to put so much pressure on her marriage that it ends, or if it doesn't end, that her life is constantly filled with stress and turmoil. This will not be easy, and it will take awhile, but it can be done. We know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but this is the only way for your daughter to know (with the highest degree of accuracy) what her future mother-in-law's impact will be on her marriage.

If that is not an acceptable option, then as for the wedding day itself, it will be what it will be. If the groom's mother is out of control as a way of life, then she will be out of control on the wedding day, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The key will be to conduct yourself in a respectful manner, but always be firm and direct. Do not let her push you around. This advice is especially important for your daughter as well. She will have to be incredibly strong now, and throughout her marriage, because there is a good chance this woman will try to control and manipulate every situation. Your daughter will have to teach her that her antics do not work.

Be supportive of your daughter, strong yourself, and try to enjoy the day . . . easier said than done, we know.

Please let us know what happens. We will be thinking about you!

--Anna & Ellie

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