Dear Anna and Ellie:

My wife and I have been married for nine years and have had trouble for the past three. We have three children ages, 8, 5, and 3. We decided a few months ago that we are going to divorce and I am certain that is the best option. In fact, ever since we made our decision, we have started to get along better. Keeping our marriage together was just too much pressure. We are talking about custody, our finances, and everything else and we are able to reach compromises on almost every subject - but we don't know how to handle the upcoming holidays.

Our families are close and get along well. We are afraid that our divorce is really going to upset everyone. We always go to her sister's house on Christmas Eve, our parents and siblings come to our house on Thanksgiving, and we thought it would be best to not tell anyone until January so that the holidays are not all upset for everyone.

What do you think of our plan? My wife hates to lie to our families, but I think we are saving them from feeling bad and also giving our kids a nice Christmas.

--Soon To Be Divorced

Dear Soon To Be Divorced:

Before we discuss whether it would be better for you and your wife to announce your divorce now or after the holidays, we have to ask: Are you absolutely, without question, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that divorce is really the best option? Only you and your wife can truly answer this question. There are many couples who quit too soon, looking for greener pastures when the going gets rough and never fully realizing the benefits of long-term commitment; then again, there are other couples who don't quit soon enough, wasting years of their lives in an unhappy relationship and fooling no one (children know whether or not their parents love one another). Divorce may in fact be the best option for the two of you, but if there is any part of either of you who feels like you would like to give your marriage one last shot, please speak up and see if you can work it out!

All of that said, it sounds as though you and your wife are really handling the situation well. Children are exceptionally hurt by divorce when their parents belittle and badmouth one another, making them feel like they have to "choose sides." We commend both of you for working together to reach compromises on matters that often end up to be bitter, ugly battles. By keeping your divorce amicable, you are taking responsibility for your children and doing them a world of good.

It is wonderful that your families are close, and we know that you and your wife are only thinking of your families in your plan not to tell anyone of your divorce until January. Unfortunately, we believe withholding this information may actually do more harm than good. Yes, everyone may have a "nice Christmas" (Don't kid yourselves: Your children are going to know something is up and others probably will too.); however, when you do make your announcement, there is a great chance that your families will be hurt because you didn't tell them right away. In many cases, not telling feels as much of a betrayal as an outright lie.

Tell your families as soon as possible. It may be difficult, but it is better for all of your relationships. (Trying to keep up appearances may even further strain your relationship with your wife.) Remember that just because you tell them now, it doesn't mean you have to take action immediately. You can still wait until January to separate and start legal proceedings.

We wish you and your family the best in handling this very difficult situation. Please contact us if there is anything more we can do.

--Anna & Ellie

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Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. "Ask Anna & Ellie" is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.