Dear Anna and Ellie:

You talk a lot about treating others respectfully. I think you have some good ideas, but I'm not really sure how to follow what you say and at the same time maintain my sanity: In my building, there is this really nice elderly man who I frequently had superficial conversations with. He helped me carry packages in the elevator a few times, and he even helped me with my trash when I had too much to carry. He seems really lonely, and I can tell he lives for the times when people have conversations with him. I have always tried to be nice, but I don't have the time to always be talking to him.

A few months ago, I had some furniture delivered and he offered to help me set some of it up. I was having trouble by myself, so I took him up on his offer. We got to talking about computers, e-mail, and all of that and he told be that he just bought a computer and was trying to learn how to use it. I told him I would help him, thinking he helped me, I could help him.

Bad idea. Now, every time I see him in the elevator, he needs help sending an e-mail, printing a letter, and on and on. I don't want to be harsh with him, but I can't stand it. I feel like a prisoner in my own building! I want to scream at him, "Leave me alone, I helped you enough already," but I know if I did, I would just feel guilty.

What should I do? This is going too far and I need it to stop.

--I've Helped Enough

Dear I've Helped Enough:

If you try to treat others respectfully in your life, you will most likely struggle at some point with finding the balance between treating others respectfully and treating yourself respectfully. Your situation is a perfect example of this: You don't want to be rude to your elderly neighbor, but you also need to honor your limitations and create healthy boundaries.

First, remember that good neighbors are hard to find, so appreciate your "really nice" neighbor (a rarity!) and his willingness to help you. As far as solving your problem so that you don't end up losing your cool and shouting something hurtful (e.g. "Leave me alone, I helped you enough already!"), here are a few ideas:

To make helping him less stressful for you, be honest and tell him when you are too busy. Then, set up a time to get together that is less inconvenient for you. When you do take time to help him, instead of just sending the e-mail or printing the letter for him, teach him how to do these things by himself: Make sure he is the one sitting at the computer, and have him take his own notes so that he can send e-mails and print letters when he is alone. This might take more time now, but hopefully, this will help him to become more self-sufficient, requiring your assistance less and less.

Also, take a few minutes to Google technology/computer courses for senior citizens in your area. You will undoubtedly find many resources for helping your neighbor learn the computer. In fact, many community colleges and senior centers have classes and individual lessons available at little or very low cost. Print out the information, and keep it in your bag or briefcase so that you can give it to him the next time you run into him. When you see him, say something like, "I was thinking about you the other day and found this information for you. I know you really want to learn how to use your computer, and I'm always so busy. I thought you might enjoy learning the computer with other beginners, and here are some places close by that will be able to help you. I don't want you to always have to be waiting for me."

If you try these suggestions and he still pesters you, you may have to firmly tell him you are too busy. Repeat as necessary, but there is no reason to be harsh while doing so.

--Anna & Ellie

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