Dear Anna and Ellie:

My wife did something the other day that really made me mad, but she thinks I'm overreacting. What do you think?

A few weeks ago, I was mowing the lawn when my wife came out and told me that the clothes I was wearing were too "ratty" for the neighbors to see. I told her they are my work clothes, they are supposed to be ratty. I thought it was the end of it, but yesterday I came home from work and all of my work clothes were missing. I asked her about it, and she said she threw them out. I tried to recover them, but they were already gone.

This made me really angry, but my wife just doesn't understand why. It turned into a huge fight. I said that taking my stuff without asking was disrespectful, and she said that I was lucky she actually cared about what I look like.

What do I do? I could end the fight by apologizing for what I said, but I don't want to. Shouldn't she have asked me first? Wasn't that disrespectful?

--Missing My Old Shirts

Dear Missing My Old Shirts:

It is completely reasonable for you to be upset with your wife over this incident, but maybe instead of fighting about it, the two of you can learn how to communicate more effectively and relate to one another in a more positive way because of it.

We agree with you: Your wife throwing away your clothes without your permission is disrespectful (no matter what they looked like!). It is always disrespectful to assume that we can take another person's belongings and do with them what we wish. (This applies to partners, parents, co-workers, neighbors, and everyone else!) However, your wife may not realize this, so this will hopefully be an opportunity for her to grow.

Given her response that you are "lucky she actually care[s] about what [you] look like," she most likely never intended to be disrespectful at all. In fact, she may have had good intentions: She thought you needed new clothes, and the first step was getting rid of the old ones. Please understand, even if this is the case, we still disagree with your wife's actions; we are merely throwing this out as a reason for her behavior, (even though this reason does not justify her poor judgment.)

To mend your relationship now, sit down with your wife and calmly explain to her that while you appreciate the fact that she cares about your appearance, you do not want her to just take your things (clothes or anything else!) and throw them away without your knowledge. Explain that by doing this, she makes you feel like she has no consideration for your desires, thus damaging the bond between the two of you. Remind her of a time in her own life when someone treated her in a similar manner, and how hurt she felt. If you can't think of such a time, describe an experience of someone with whom you are both close. By doing this, she will be able to better understand how her actions made you feel.

--Anna & Ellie

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