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Ask Anna & Ellie
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I feel like giving up. I have tried to be the best mother I know how to be, but it seems like I am constantly at odds with the rest of society when it comes to raising my kids. I am getting so tired of having to protect them from what I consider harmful or inappropriate influences that at times I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "I can't do this anymore." Don't get me wrong, I love my children and I think they are doing well, it's just that I am forever having to say "No" to them when they want to do what all the other kids are doing. For example, I don't allow them to play video games endlessly, take telephone calls during dinner, or text or call their friends until their homework is completed. I am the ONLY mother I know of who has any sort of rules like this, and even though my kids and I have a pretty good relationship, they feel embarrassed by these guidelines and it causes tension. From the music that is played in their school (some not appropriate for their ages), to the lack of rules their friends have (such as being allowed to have friends over when there is no adult home), to the way some of their friends dress, I am continually having to be the "bad guy." Yesterday my eight-year-old came home singing a Britney Spears song that in my opinion was completely vulgar for someone her age and she said her friend let her listen to it on her IPOD. What is a mom to do when she is trying to raise her kids well but it is a continual struggle? Does she give in to the social pressure and just let her kids go? I really don't want to do that. --Doing My Best Dear Doing My Best: Thank you for trying to be the best mother you can be! There are many parents who do not actively raise their children (what we call exercising parenthood in Magna Sententia), and our whole society is suffering because of it. Rules such as not allowing your children to play video games endlessly, take telephone calls during dinner, or text or call their friends until their homework is completed are completely reasonable, and your children will be better for them (even if they don't appreciate them right now). In our personal experience, trying to raise your children well is almost always a struggle (in some degree or another): You can only protect your children so much from the world, and life happens, not to mention that there is no way to sidestep all of the growing pains they will undoubtedly go through. (That's why being a good parent is one of the toughest jobs there is!) In spite of this, never believe for a second that what you are doing isn't making a positive difference in your children's lives. It is! You may not always see it, but the example you set for your children has an immeasurable impact on the adults they will become. Keep doing what you are doing, but realize that you can only do what you can do: The world will leak into your children's lives via their school friends. This will not make or break their characters; what will make or break their characters is whether or not you have instilled concepts in them like personal responsibility, loyalty, compassion, empathy, gratitude, and integrity, as well as taught them how to handle the world. (Children who are too sheltered sometimes have a difficult time as adults.) You can't stop your children from hearing Britney Spears' songs, but you can explain to them why Britney isn't a good role model. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: So I read your book, and can't help but wonder - can you use logic to make EVERY decision? I have been having a hard time with my best friend lately, and when I try to think of what I should do using your methods I can never get past letting my emotions get involved. Doesn't every decision involve some kind of emotion? --Too Emotional? Dear Too Emotional?: This is a very good question! There is a lot of confusion surrounding the emotional vs. logical decision-making debate, and since the idea of using logic to improve your life is the foundation our book, we appreciate the opportunity to clarify our view on the subject. First off, your feelings are important. It is unhealthy to suppress your emotions, and if you don't acknowledge your feelings, they will always come back to haunt you. That said, people can really make a mess of their lives by making emotional decisions. But what exactly do we mean by this? What is an emotional decision, anyway? Are individuals who promote logic and reason attempting to run their lives completely devoid of feeling? Is it possible for emotions to factor into "logical" decisions? According to the fifth edition of Exploring Psychology by David G. Myers, an emotion is "a response of the whole organism, involving (1) physiological arousal, (2) expressive behaviors, and (3) conscious experience." For example, when you are watching a really scary movie, you may have an emotional response of fear: (1) your heart pounds, (2) you shut your eyes so you can't see, and (3) you feel afraid. Keeping this definition in mind, when we talk about "emotional" decisions, we mean making your decision in an emotional state. We cannot stress enough the value in waiting until the emotion has passed, and then taking the time to think about the possible alternatives and consequences of your decision. Far from denying your feelings, this rational analysis should weigh in why you feel what you feel, as well as all of the likely emotional outcomes of your decision. The key is to be calm while you are doing this! We don't know why you are having a hard time with your best friend, but let's just say that he/she repeatedly makes sarcastic comments about you. Even though he/she says that it's only a joke, it hurts your feelings, and you have had enough! One night, your friend makes a particularly harsh jab. What do you do? "Emotional" Response: You explode, giving your best friend a piece of your mind. You tell him/her all of the things that you could make sarcastic comments about, but don't because you are actually a nice person. (The most likely outcome: your best friend is hurt and reacts defensively, only escalating the argument. Your friendship is never the same.) "Logical" Response: You go home, calm down, and then figure out the most tactful way to tell your best friend that his/her comments really hurt your feelings (e.g. "I know that it was probably not intentional, but when you said _______, it made me feel _______. In fact, quite a few of your jokes have gone too far for me lately . . .") You find a time to meet, calmly discuss your concerns, and give him/her the chance to respond. (The most likely outcome: your best friend feels badly for hurting you, respects your willingness to communicate, and tries to watch his/her words in the future.) The Real Point: We want everyone to have fulfilling lives and healthy relationships, and in order to accomplish this, we have to make good decisions. And this doesn't happen very often when we make our decisions in an emotional state. Therefore, before we speak or act, it always behooves us to breathe for a second and logically assess the situation: How are we feeling? Is there another side to the story we should consider (i.e. what are all the facts)? What are the different ways we could handle the situation? What are the short- and long-term consequences of these alternatives? Which is the best alternative, particularly in the long run? The Short Answer: Yes, most decisions have some sort of emotional outcome, whether it is positive or negative. No, you will not make good decisions if you are only focused on your emotional state (and not the consequences). And, yes, we hope that you use logic to make EVERY decision. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: My family has a friend who we have known for about six years. We have socialized with her every few months for the last three years or so, and we really enjoy her company. When we have been together, our meetings have included my husband and sometimes even our grown children. We all seem to have a great deal in common and our get-togethers have all been pleasant and enjoyable (for me and my family at least). Here's our problem: Every time we get together, it is because we made contact with her. She is always extremely cordial when we call, says he has been thinking of our family, and is always willing to see us - she just never initiates our visits. Should we continue inviting her, or should we wait to see if she contacts us? Maybe she doesn't really want to see us but just does not have the nerve to decline our invitations. What do you think? --Not Sure About Inviting Again Dear Not Sure: There is no "one size fits all" answer to your question; however, we do have a few ideas that may help you decide what to do about your friend: First of all, is your friend just an extremely shy person? If so, she may not feel comfortable being the one to initiate get-togethers, even if she is very thankful that you do. There are incredibly nice individuals who are almost paralyzed by shyness, and although you may not realize it, they actually greatly appreciate your friendship. On the other hand, maybe she doesn't really want to see you but accepts the invitation anyway because she can't say "no" to people. This isn't your problem. You are simply trying to be nice, and it is up to her to be strong enough to decline invitations she doesn't want to accept. Whether your friend is just shy or can't say "no," the most important factor is what you want out of the relationship: Will it be enough for you if your friend never invites you but always gladly accepts your invitations? (Realistic Expectation Six: "Never ask the moon to brighten your day.") That is the question, and only you and your family can answer it. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: This may just be a classic case of a mid-life crisis of sorts, but I would appreciate your opinion nonetheless. I am 48 years old, have been happily married for nearly 30 years, have three grown children (the youngest has special needs), and I feel like I need a change. I am still in love with my husband, have no desire whatsoever to be with anyone else, I love my children, but my life just seems to chug along and I never seem to make it to where I want to be. The responsibilities of my life take so much time, I never get to concentrate on the goals I have for myself that are very important to me. Lately, it is all just making me sad. The years are flying by, and I am basically still in the same place I have always been. I also don't like the climate where I live, but my family says this is a nice place and other places will have their problems too. It is too cold here for me. I like warm weather, grew up in a humid climate, and would like to move - but I guess now is not a good time for that either. I just get sad because I am always waiting for things to come through, or progress to be made, and there is always something that gets in the way. I know there are people with much bigger problems than this - but this is eating at me and it gets worse as the years go by. --Still Cleaning & Keeping House When I'd Rather Be At Work Dear Still Cleaning & Keeping House: Everyone has needs and desires, and you are not selfish for wanting to concentrate on your goals. What is selfish is when individuals constantly place their desires over those of others, and thus the healthiest thing to do is not to always give or always take, but to work with the ones you love to find a balance between everyone's needs. (Granted, this is much easier to say than do, and things cannot be equal all of the time, but it is the ideal to work toward.) So, have you shared your goals with your husband? He needs to know them because first, just expressing your feelings can help relieve pent-up frustration (especially when you know someone you love is listening) and second, the two of you must work together for you to make the progress you desire. Strong marriages are balanced, and if something is extremely important to you, your husband will (or should) want to support you. Maybe this means he needs to help more around the house, or if his career is quite demanding and you can afford it, you might want to hire help to free up some of your time. Note: please make sure your goals are realistic. Nothing causes discontent like unrealistic goals! Choose your goals wisely, and set a reasonable timeframe for them. You will be saving yourself a lot of aggravation. Do you take time to do something you enjoy for at least 30 minutes each day? (This is part of Magna Sententia's Axiom of Responsibility.) It is extremely difficult to continually give out to others if you do not take time to restore yourself, and when you never take time for yourself, life will wear you out. This is especially true since you have a child with special needs, which surely requires an enormous amount of energy on your part. When was the last time you had a break and felt truly relaxed? If at all possible, an annual vacation is a good idea; it doesn't have to be expensive, just a change of pace with little or no responsibilities. Everything looks better if you are well-rested and fresh! Most importantly, do not suppress your feelings, but at the same time, do not let them completely overrule your better judgment. Of course, people get tired. That is typically what most mid-life crises are: individuals getting tired of all of the responsibility and monotony of life, and in some cases, this requires action to get over. However, if you make changes, do so in a way that is beneficial in both the short- and long-term. Many people who go through a mid-life crisis end up destroying the life they worked so hard to build and really regret it later. When you still love the people around you, but are tired of your life, make changes that keep your family and relationships whole. As to moving to a warmer climate: this might be just what you need, although in order to move, your entire family would have to relocate. Does your husband like warm climates? Would your husband be able to keep his job? Do your grown children live close by? If they do, you would be moving away from them, and you might really miss them. You will have to decide how important the climate is to you and if moving is a feasible option for you and your husband at this time. If it isn't, you can still reach a compromise: Perhaps you and your husband could take that annual vacation we mentioned above to a warm climate when the weather is most miserable where you live. Your problem is a real problem, and we hope that you feel better soon. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I hate it that I even have to write you about this, but I don't know what to do. Please help! Let me start by saying that I have never been one of those wedding chicks who always dreamed about the "big day" and being a bride. In fact, I don't even like weddings (the wild little kids, the drunk uncles, the bad music, the horrible bridesmaid dresses), not to mention that I think it's utterly absurd the way some women insist their parents (or fiancés) spend a small fortune on a few hours that is in no way indicative of the success of their marriages. I honestly thought I would never get married, but then I met "Jack," and to my own surprise, two years later, I'm engaged. I only care about being with Jack, and although I would miss having my parents there, I (of course) would be just fine with eloping. Jack, on the other hand, thinks that if we don't have a real wedding, I'll regret it later. (I'm not a ceremony person. I didn't even go to my high school or college graduations, and I still don't regret it.) Anyway, I know he only has my best interest at heart, and he really wants me to have the wedding, so I agreed to it. (How could I not?) Here's the thing: Jack and I both have great careers, and my parents are nearing retirement age, so even though neither of us have been married before and it's tradition, we decided that we want to pay for it. I have absolutely no problem with this (I'm happy to), but since we are paying for it, I do want it to be representative of who Jack and I are: closest family and friends only, no wedding party, short ceremony, not overly extravagant reception. (By the way, this isn't just me projecting what "we" want. He and I have discussed it.) Enter my mother-in-law. Because she knows that I'm not into the whole wedding thing, she is basically trying to take over. She wants so-and-so to be a bridesmaid, such-and-such to do the cake. The biggest point of contention: the guest list. My mother-in-law's best friend has been a longtime friend of Jack's family, and I don't mind if she comes, but she wants to bring her eight-year-old granddaughter who is a total out-of-control brat. If I make it an adult-only wedding (is that even possible?), then my extremely well-behaved, ten-year-old niece who is really excited about it couldn't come. I feel trapped. I don't want bridesmaids, I don't want all these guests. If my mother-in-law were paying for it, I would let her do whatever she wants, but she isn't, and I resent her being so pushy. I also don't want to punish my niece for that terror-of-a-girl's behavior. Should I try to convince Jack to elope? Put my foot down? Or just suck it up and have the wedding my mother-in-law wants? --Trapped By The Wedding I Didn't Want Dear Trapped By The Wedding I Didn't Want: Before we get to your wedding, let's take a moment to discuss your relationship with your future mother-in-law: Her behavior could potentially have an enormous impact on your relationship with Jack, and ultimately your marriage and family, so you would be wise to figure out her role in this relationship before you walk down the aisle. Now is the time to determine her reasons for having such strong opinions about your wedding, the nature of her relationship with Jack, whether she is someone with whom you can communicate openly, and the likelihood that she will respect the boundaries you and Jack set when necessary. Unfortunately, since weddings mean different things to different people, they are stressful events more often than not. Is Jack's mother domineering all of the time, or is her intrusion in your wedding plans an isolated incident? Some parents view weddings as a celebration to be enjoyed by all of those who have been a part of their and their children's lives. In these cases, the parents feel that everyone they know should be invited to join in the festivities, not because they mean to be controlling, but because they are excited and want to share their happiness with family and friends. Other parents believe that weddings are essentially the blending of two families, placing great emphasis on the ceremony and reception. Everyone close to the couple is invited to share in witnessing the union, and guests' attendance serves as a show of support for the couple throughout their marriage. Leaving someone out of this important occasion would cause parents of this belief great distress because they view the wedding as a day to demonstrate all of the love and support that surrounds their children. Could either one of these viewpoints be the motivation behind Jack's mother trying to "take over" your wedding, or is she overbearing in other areas as well? Please recognize the significance of this answer: If she is normally easygoing and understanding, then most likely she will be reasonable when discussing a compromise in not only this instance, but in other tricky situations that will certainly come up in your married life. On the other hand, if she is always controlling, you need to know how Jack handles it: Can he say "no" to his mother when necessary, or does he let her have her way? If Jack is in the habit of giving in to her, there are rough times ahead for the two of you because she will not change. Trust us, if Jack's mother is domineering and he cannot stand up to her, your troubles with her have just begun. In fact, they will continue until she dies or the marriage is over, and she will add an enormous amount of stress to your life in the process. Jack is the key: If his mother is overbearing, how he responds will determine whether or not you can have a successful marriage. If he does not acquiesce to her demands and the two of you are united when dealing with her, then as a team you will be able to handle whatever she dishes out. Now, about your wedding! Consider The Magna Sententia Wedding Rule: Those who pay have the final say. If parents are paying, then the couple getting married must consider themselves guests of honor at the wedding their parents are giving them. Likewise, if the bride and groom are paying, then they can decide on the location, guest list, wedding party (or not), ceremony, and reception. (For more on The Magna Sententia Wedding Rule, please check back this Friday.) Of course, following Magna Sententia means treating others respectfully at all times, so this rule is not a license to do whatever you want without taking others' desires into consideration. It is, however, the bottom line. In your specific case: after determining exactly who your future mother-in-law really is, decide with Jack what your next step will be. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: Please help! I don't know what to do. College just hasn't been what I expected it to be. You see, I'm in my freshmen year, and while I try to do my best, I just can't seem to keep my grades up. I feel like I study all of the time, but I can never do good enough. After last term, I was put on academic probation with my scholarship, and if I lose that I'll get kicked out of school. I'm scared to tell my parents what happened. If I get kicked out of school, they'll hate me for sure. I want to talk to them about it, but I know how disappointed they will be. My high school grades were never great but good enough to get into college. I always told my parents that I was doing my best but it never seemed like it was enough for them. I always had to do better, but I just couldn't. Now it seems like my poor performance is finally catching up to me. I'm stuck right now because if I say something I could still stay in college but I'll still get yelled at by my parents. But if I don't say anything, I'll get kicked out of college. Is there a way I could tell my parents what is going on without getting the third degree? --Just Can't Seem To Pass Dear Just Can't Seem To Pass: Please take a moment to sit down and breathe. You are understandably worked up about your situation, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Let's forget about your parents for a second and concentrate on your education. Think of what you have already accomplished: You did well enough in high school to earn a scholarship. That is no small achievement! It is something many people could (and will) never do. Right now, you are discouraged, but have confidence in yourself and your abilities. You are not alone in your struggles. Freshman year is difficult for many college students. Unfortunately, many colleges and universities are finding that an increased number of students are entering their freshman year without the basic skills necessary to succeed in college-level English and mathematics. In September 2008, a study estimated that "one-third of American college students have to enroll in remedial classes." ("Colleges Spend Billions On Remedial Classes To Prep Freshmen") If this is the case for you, don't feel badly about yourself. Instead, take action to improve your situation by making an appointment with your advisor and asking him or her to assist you in devising a plan to better prepare yourself. This might require you to change your schedule, receive tutoring, and/or attend summer school. You may also want to visit each one of your professors, or their teaching assistants, to see if they are willing to help you get a grasp on the material. Many times, all it takes is a little more explanation to get you on the right path, and from personal experience, even if you "study all the time," you don't accomplish much if you do not fully understand the material or concentrate on the wrong things. These conferences with your professors should help you make the most of your study time. Analyze your study habits, and change them if necessary. Are you really concentrating when you study? Or are you distracted because you are so frustrated? If you are really struggling with something and not making any progress, go get help. (Most campuses offer free tutoring and/or help centers.) Are you watching television, listening to your IPOD, or talking with friends when you study? A distraction-free environment is essential for critical thinking and truly focusing on your course material. Have your study sessions in a quiet place like the library. Regarding your parents, we know you won't like to hear this, but you really need to keep them informed. The longer you wait to tell them that you are on academic probation, the more deceived they will feel when they find out. (And they will find out eventually!) However, keep in mind that they will most likely be less upset if they feel you are taking responsibility for your education by problem solving on your own and actively taking a role in improving your school performance. Make sure that when you tell them about your poor grades, you also tell them, in detail, exactly how you plan to make progress. It might be helpful for you to consider your parents' perspective: Since you are certain they will be upset, we assume that they are helping you financially to some degree. If so, they are working hard to include your education in their budget, which is no small feat in today's economy. Under Magna Sententia, any assistance they provide to you during your college years is a gift. They are not obligated to help you; it is their choice. Understanding this, it is reasonable for them to be upset if they feel you are squandering their gift. On the other hand, if they know that you are taking corrective action and doing everything within your power to "stop the bleeding" so to speak, they may be more supportive than you think. If they get upset even though you are trying your hardest to improve, there is really nothing you can do but take it like an adult. If you do all you can and still lose your scholarship, life will go on. Education is the key to your future, so even if you get kicked out of college, you may want to consider attending a community college. Community colleges typically offer additional remedial courses so that you can get up to speed in critical areas where your high school's curriculum fell short. After you find success in these areas, you can continue there and complete your freshman and sophomore-level courses before returning to a four-year college or university. Many people do this every day and go on to have great success, in spite of all the bumps along the way. Please let us know how everything works out. We want you to be successful, and we know you can do it! (Remember, you already earned a scholarship!) --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I am a 20-year old college sophomore, and I'm currently living with my parents in order to save money. However, I recently came out to my parents and family as a lesbian, and now, I am ridiculed all of the time by them. They are always belittling me because of my sexuality. I can't take it! I've tried to explain to them that I have tried in the past to like guys, but it just doesn't work. Even though I tell them it's natural and I can't help it, it's never enough to change their minds about how they think of me. I would really like to move out, but I don't have enough money. Do I just stick it out these last few years, or should I try to move out? Please don't tell me to sit down and have a talk with them. I've tried it, and it doesn't work. I love what you say about the LGBT community. I really hope you can give me some advice. --Shouldn't Have Come Out Dear Shouldn't Have Come Out: Please know that we are proud of you for discerning your true self and taking steps to live according to the you who is deep inside at only 20 years of age! Many people live their entire lives without any understanding of their true selves, and they suffer because of it. You are already on your way! We are truly sorry that your parents and family have made you feel that you should not have come out. As individuals, we all have our differences, and following Magna Sententia, we treat others respectfully despite these differences. No matter what the cultural, socioeconomic, and religious background of your family, it does not give them the right to make you feel badly because of your sexual orientation, which is an innate part of who you are. It is completely wrong for them to belittle you, and it is quite understandable that you feel hurt. There is no valid reason for them to treat you any differently now. They should not hold your sexual orientation against you; however, just because they shouldn't, it doesn't mean they won't. In your situation, you need to do what is best for you, and in order to determine exactly what that is, you have to take a number of factors into consideration. First of all, are you being abused? If you are being verbally, emotionally, and/or physically abused in any way, get out immediately if not sooner. On the other hand, if you are not being abused, then you have to weigh the severity of the damage your family is inflicting on you against the financial benefit of staying. Only you can decide whether or not you should move out. If you truly cannot take your family's behavior, carefully plan the details of your move so that you can be successful on your own. Don't just move out one day in a fit of frustration. How much financial support are you receiving from your parents? Can you finish school without their support? If your parents are paying for your education, find out if they will continue to do so even if you move out. If they will not, can you find another way to finance your education? Your education would be a huge price to pay for their intolerance. You have to ask yourself: Is their belittling so bad that you are willing to quit school in order to get away from them? Can you live with them for another two years so that you can earn your degree for your future and not let their cruelty take your education (and the opportunity that comes with it) away from you? Even if you decide to stay with your parents for the time being, have a backup plan. We know how demanding college is, but we recommend that you try to secure at least part-time employment and start saving. Research the cost of rent in your area, and make up a budget so that you know how much money you would need each month. Maybe you could ask one of your friends to be your roommate to cut down on your expenses? These are all questions only you can answer. Just remember that education is the key to your future, and your future should not be any less bright simply because you have a different sexual orientation than your parents. Sometimes, you have to suffer in the short term to benefit in the long term, but there are also times when you just can't take an unhealthy situation anymore. Think carefully, and do what is truly best for you. Please let us know your decision and how you are doing! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 This "Ask Anna & Ellie" is a response to our answer to Friend Is MIA, "When Your Friend's Girlfriend/Wife Damages Your Friendship." Dear Anna and Ellie: In response to your answer to Friend Is MIA, my husband had one of these friends before we were together, and I was one of those girlfriends who did make a fuss about my husband's friends - even more so after we got married. But if you saw the way my husband acted after being with these so-called "friends," you would have seen why I made a fuss. Even though they were not "drinking buddies" and I was far from a "golf widow," his behavior was clearly different after he had been with his friends. He was much more irritable and always bordered on being an a**hole. When he was not with his friends, he was a wonderful, caring person, and when he was with them, he was not close to being these things. After I made a fuss and his friends slowly stopped coming around, the behavior never returned. What do you say about the guys whose friends affect them in a negative way? --He's Better Off Without Them Dear He's Better Off Without Them: Thank you very much for adding another dimension to our discussion. Yes, even though male friendships are often a positive force in a man's life, there are instances when they are "better off without them." In our response to Friend IS MIA, we discussed two common extremes: women who destroy their husband's/boyfriend's male friendships for no reason at all and men who prioritize their male friendships over their relationships with their wives/girlfriends. As you point out, however, there is another side to this issue: women who are justified in discouraging one or more of their husband's/boyfriends male friendships because these friends are a negative influence. You were right to discourage the friendships that had a negative impact on your husband's behavior. From your description of your husband today, we are sure that he is lucky you stepped in and helped him free himself from such unhealthy relationships. (To learn more about protecting yourself from unhealthy relationships, please see the Sherise Method.) Sometimes, when we are too close to the situation, it can be hard for us to clearly see the effect others have on us. But if someone we love and trust shows us that the relationship is damaging and encourages us to end it, we can see the friendship for what it really is and make adjustments. In your husband's case, he is truly much better off without his old friends. Please make sure that when your husband makes new friends, you do not discourage or try to end these friendships unless they also negatively affect his behavior. These male friendships are extremely important to your husband, just as your female friendships are important to you. Thank you for your response. We appreciate hearing from our readers! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I would love your opinion. I am an administrative assistant and I am responsible for the other members of the support staff personnel in name only. For example, people complain to me when the file clerk does a poor job, but then I do not hire or cannot fire the file clerk; that is my boss's responsibility. We have had trouble with our receptionist for quite some time now: She is late in the morning, takes a long lunch, talks too much when she is supposed to be working, and the other employees are getting very upset. Last week, my boss asked me to talk to her about her poor performance, and I did. It just so happens that on the day he told me to talk to her, she was late because her daughter was in the hospital, and she had been there to check on her before work. Now I am the "bad guy"! She is telling everyone that I have no heart, and that I don't care about anyone else and only our work. She told my close colleague that the reason I don't care is that I am single and have no idea what it means to be a mother. By the way, her daughter is not young, she is 32 years old! How should I handle this? Should I tell my boss that she is upset? (I don't want him to think that I cannot handle things on my own.) Should I have another talk with her and explain that maybe the timing wasn't perfect but the message is still the same, or should I just hope it all blows over? --Just Doing My Job Dear Just Doing My Job: It is extremely frustrating, but extremely common, for employers to give their employees management responsibilities without any decision-making power. You are trying your hardest in spite of this (which is in keeping with Magna Sententia's Axiom of Respect). Please keep up the good work! We admire your desire to be a responsible employee. We think it would be wise for you to have another talk with the receptionist and explain to her that although it was unfortunate timing, your boss had asked you to speak with her on that particular day. You were just doing what you were told. Additionally, make sure to point out that even though you are sorry about her daughter, your boss based his reprimand on her history of work performance (consistently being late, talking when she should be working, etc.) and not merely on her being late that day. During your discussion, also bring up that you know she is talking about you in a very unflattering manner and that she needs to stop this immediately. In your position, we would mention this meeting (and the reasons for it) to your boss. Keeping him informed as to what has transpired with the receptionist does not equate to you being unable to "handle things on [your] own." Rest assured, by meeting with her, you are handling them, and letting your boss know the status of the situation is completely appropriate. (It is also smart: She sounds like trouble, and you need to protect yourself. If your boss knows about and agrees with your actions, you will have his support if she causes problems in the future.) Good luck! --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I hope that both of you can help me. I am four months pregnant with me and my husband's first child (sex has not been determined yet). Both of my In-Laws are fabulous; the only problem is my Father-in-Law's controlling girlfriend, whom he has been dating for 13 years. His girlfriend did not have a very nurturing childhood and she was married and pregnant by the age of 17. It is my belief that motherhood has been the only validating experience of her life, and she believes (or at least acts as if) she is the authority of raising children. She has been overbearing and borderline obsessed with my husband's biological niece (my niece by marriage) because she never had a girl of her own (she has 3 sons). I've seen her control, belittle and speak very lowly about my niece's mother. Mind you, she is not even related to my niece, but she thinks that she is the only one who can properly take care of her. She's so psychotic that she thinks that she and my niece look alike, knowing full well that she is not related to her! Fast forward to my pregnancy, and she is making passive-aggressive comments (which is not new for her) but now I am getting seriously angry and weary of her being around our child when s/he arrives. She is already trying to control the naming process and thinks that we should move closer to them so that we will have a babysitter. I've already told her that we are not planning on going out that much and will probably not need babysitters very often, but it's as if she doesn't even hear me. My husband has been trying to reassure me that we will not have to go through what his brother-in-law and his girlfriend are experiencing because we will not give them that kind of control, but I am still very anxious. Should I take it up with my Father-in-Law, who probably won't stand up to her, or should there be a meeting with her and my Father-in-Law to explain what their boundaries are as the "grandparent" figures? I really need help! --Pregnant Twenty-Something Dear Pregnant Twenty-Something: Congratulations on your pregnancy! We are very happy for you and your husband, and we wish you many years of joy with your new child. We commend you for taking responsibility for your child already, which is indeed what you are doing by seeking solutions to your dilemma before your child is born. Please know that both of us have direct personal experience with the issues you face, from both the mother's perspective and the child's: Anna would like you to know that you are much stronger and wiser than she was as a new parent. Ellie would like to tell you how much easier her life would have been if Anna had addressed these same types of concerns before she and her siblings were born, and that you can't shield children from family dynamics no matter how hard you try. We are very proud of you. You are quite perceptive in your understanding of your father-in-law's girlfriend! Your insight into her life, along with how her past is influencing her present behavior, will be helpful as you reason through your situation. Let's start at the beginning: According to Magna Sententia, you and your husband are responsible for your child's life. This does not mean that you shouldn't consider the advice or guidance others give you; however, it does mean that outside input (from anyone besides you and your husband) only matters if you let it matter. Whether your father-in-law's girlfriend is well-intentioned or otherwise, do not permit her to "control, belittle, and speak very lowly" about you as a mother or your husband as a father. Now, this may sound harsh, but it is the truth: It doesn't matter if she had a terrible childhood, was young and pregnant when she married, and never had a daughter of her own. Her behavior is completely inappropriate, and you and your husband will only make your lives, and the life of your child, more difficult if you allow her to control you, influence your parenting, or just be an annoyance in your lives. (It takes up a great deal of energy to contend with relatives who make you feel badly.) Life is simply too busy and difficult on its own without these problems, and much too short to let people like your father-in-law's girlfriend assume a prominent role. We teach others how to treat us: She will continue to get away with being passive-aggressive only until you no longer allow her to be passive-aggressive. She will control the naming process only until you take control of the naming process. (Name your child exactly what you and your husband want to name him or her.) Knowing what we know now (and wish we would have known three decades ago), it is in your family's best interest to stop her behavior immediately, even if this means it gets ugly for a while (or forever) with her or your extended family. How? First of all, do not try to go through your father-in-law because, as you said, he will probably not stand up to his girlfriend. You and your husband, together, need to stop this directly at the source, (although your husband should really be the one to take the lead because it is his family). As a courtesy, your husband may want to tell his father that the two of you are going to ask to meet with her and that he is welcome to attend if he would like. Then, your husband should set up a meeting with the three (or four) of you where you can communicate for as long as you need without any distractions. (In Magna Sententia, this process is called Rectify, and it is discussed thoroughly with examples in the book.) At the meeting, you and your husband can start by explaining how important your family is to you. Next, tell her what you told us: "We have seen you control, belittle, and speak very lowly about our niece's mother, and we are worried because you are already starting to be overbearing and passive-aggressive with us: For instance, you are trying to control the naming process, as well as persuade us to move closer to you. "In addition, even though you may have good intentions and not realize it, you give off the impression that you are an authority in raising children and that you have all the answers. While we are, at times, open to suggestions regarding our child, we do not want you to try to take over. If you do, you will not be included in our child's life. We are not trying to be mean; we just want you to know from the beginning that you cannot do to us what you have done to our niece's mother. We have every right to be concerned because you have already started with us, and you must stop this immediately." Even if you ruffle her feathers for a month, a year, or she never speaks to you again, you will be saving yourselves years of grief by standing firm. Hear us when we say that there is nothing worse than a relative like your father-in-law's girlfriend. For the good of your family, it has to be that she either changes her tune, or she is out. (Note: with people, if you give an ultimatum, you have to follow through; otherwise, they will never take you seriously again.) The reason for this strict stance is that if you do not set the ground rules now, she eventually will control, belittle, and speak very lowly of you. And your child (and future children) will know. You may try to cover up what is going on and how you feel, but children are extremely perceptive, and they will know. (Ellie and her siblings all knew.) You will have holidays, birthday parties, and family gatherings ruined, along with a great chance of strife between you, your husband, and/or your father-in-law, and all for what? A woman who is selfish and controlling? We hope that your troubles are settled relatively peacefully, but you and your husband also have to prepare for the worst. The fact is that your husband has to be united with you in order for there to be harmony in your family, and it is crucial that when push comes to shove, your husband chooses you (and your family with him) over his relationship with his father. This may be extremely difficult for him, but he has to recognize that his responsibility is to you and your family. His allegiances must lie with you, or it will negatively affect your marriage. As your child's father, he needs to understand that it is unhealthy to have such an out of control relative as part of his child's life and that it is up to the two of you to control the situation. Also, if the worst possible scenario does come true and your husband becomes estranged from his father over this, your husband must realize that his father has in effect chosen his (manipulative) girlfriend over him. Please let us know how everything turns out. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I have read over the other questions submitted and like how extensive you are with your advice, so I'm wondering if maybe you could help me. I have been going through a very emotionally draining period of my life right now. My boyfriend of two years recently died in a car accident. Because of this, I could barely concentrate at work. I wanted to take a few days off, but I need all the money I can get because I can barely pay all of my bills. This caused me to have a poor review at work, so now I am in this probationary period. On top of all this, my boyfriend's family did not invite me to his funeral. I'm totally crushed by this. I loved him so much. I really wanted to marry him. We had even talked about it, but felt the timing just wasn't right for either of us. While I know people usually feel devastated when someone they know dies, the fact that they didn't invite me to the funeral has hurt a lot. Now it feels like I never really got to say goodbye to him. I do not know what to do about it. Do I say something to them? Send them an angry letter? How do I let them know how hurt I am? --Just Can't Deal Dear Just Can't Deal: Please be very gentle with yourself. The loss of a loved one can be devastating, and you need to give yourself time to heal. Your situation is challenging, but we feel that you will be able to recover from everything that has happened to you by focusing on the three issues of greatest concern: Not having the opportunity to say goodbye to your boyfriend, the disrespectful way his family treated you, and your difficulties at work. Saying Goodbye: It is quite natural and entirely reasonable for you to feel that because you were not invited to your boyfriend's funeral, you "never really got to say goodbye" to him. Following Magna Sententia and treating yourself respectfully, you will do what you need to do in order to achieve some kind of closure: There are many options for this, and only you can decide what you have to do to move on with your life. Perhaps you could write a letter to your boyfriend describing whatever you wish he would know, such as what you would have liked to say and do at his funeral, how much you miss him, and how deeply his passing has affected you. When you are finished with your letter, what you do with it is up to you: Maybe you would feel better if you took it to his gravesite and read it to him, or left it there for him. Alternatively, the two of you may have had a special place or activity that you shared, like camping or sailing, and you might want to take the letter there and "bury it at sea." Remember, although truly letting go of your boyfriend may take you years, whatever you do must enable you to feel that you have adequately said goodbye to him. His Family: It is difficult to understand why your boyfriend's family did not inform you of his funeral and ask you to participate. However, your love for him is obviously greater than their rudeness. Here again, do what you have to do in order to make peace with the situation in your own mind. Would you be out of line to say something or send them an angry letter? Not at all. Nevertheless, the question you must ask yourself is, "Will saying something or sending them an angry letter help me feel better?" You have to decide for yourself if confronting them is worth it to you. Personally, even though we have had people in our lives whom we were justified in confronting because of their utterly disrespectful behavior, we often decided that they were really not worth the effort. Certain individuals always justify their own (poor) behavior, and in all probability, they would have never truly listened to or understood us. Your boyfriend's parents may be the same: Do what is best for you, but make sure your expectations are realistic. Your Work: Your inability to focus at work is completely understandable and expected, and if your supervisors knew about your situation, it is unfortunate that they did not take it into consideration during your review. If you did not tell them before, please tell them now. Many employers will work with their employees if they are aware of extenuating circumstances. Although it is hard, try to let go of all of your other problems and fully concentrate on your job when you are at work; however, do not expect too much from yourself. No one can be the perfect employee 100% of the time, and there are times when life must take precedence over work. Moreover, please realize that your difficulties in your professional life will most likely resolve themselves once you have had a chance to heal your personal life. Our hearts ache for you, and we thank you for allowing us to try to help. Please let us know how you are doing. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I have a friend who most people will say opposite sexes don't make good friends. But we were as some call it BFFs for two years. We were there for each other. Did nearly everything together, but one day I find out my friend is interested in a woman. I'm happy for him especially since he recently got out of an unhappy long marriage. But when I found out this new woman is married I tried to discourage him from dating her. I know because before we became friends I was the other woman and it hurt when he broke it off with me when he wanted to try to work on his marriage. Oddly enough that was when our friendship started. It was never awkward, in a way it made us more connected. But with this new married woman in the picture he calls me less, our routine workouts stopped. When I tried questioning him on what's wrong, he tells me that his new girlfriend doesn't want him being friends with me. I asked him since when does he care who tells him who he can and can't be friends with. His reply was that he's trying to start a new relationship and doesn't want any trouble. Now I'm the one dumped because he wants to start a serious relationship with a married woman. How or why can someone who's supposed to be your best friend choose a married woman over a friendship? From mutual friends they say she's never going to leave her husband, but who knows if that's true or not. Someone else mentioned that her and her husband have an open marriage, but either way how is that a healthy relationship? Especially since he did get out of a long marriage not too long ago. I think he's rushing things but how am I supposed to tell him that? He thinks I'm jealous and I'll admit me and his new girlfriend got into it, so now he doesn't return my calls, texts or e-mails. How can I make him see the light? Can I win him back or is this friendship over? Should I just walk away from a friend who I know will be the one to get hurt? Or should I just shut my mouth, be happy for him, and let him live his life? He is after all happy with her. Should I just sit back and wait for him to realize he misses his best friend? I just don't want to see my BFF hurt even if he did cut me out of his life. --BFF's No More Dear BFF's No More: How could, and why do, you want someone in your life who cheats on his wife and drops you, his supposed BFF, for a married woman? Please, leave this man alone. He is clearly not a person of character because he repeatedly treats important people in his life poorly, and the odds are he will continue to do this in the future. Magna Sententia's Realistic Expectation Three, "A man will do unto you as you have witnessed him do unto others," directly applies to your situation: When someone has a history of hurting others, never think that you will be the exception. We could go on about how you are now suffering the consequences of cheating with this man in the first place, but deep down, you probably already know this. More importantly, what we hope you recognize is that people typically treat everyone in their life the same, sooner or later. This truth is easily illustrated by your dilemma: Your former BFF cheated on his wife to be with you, so of course he treated you well during that time, (but he was treating his wife extremely disrespectfully). Then, he dropped you to try to get back with his wife, essentially treating you as though you were expendable. After he was unsuccessful in patching things up with this wife, he came back to you, but were you finally truly important to him? No! He drops you again to be with a married woman! Do you really want to have a friendship, or any other type of close relationship, with someone who is so completely disloyal to you and others? It is our hope that you will take the necessary steps to learn to value yourself. You don't need to settle for romantic relationships with married men or friendships with individuals who throw you away when they get a new girlfriend. In order to abide by Magna Sententia in the future, you must treat others respectfully, meaning never get involved with a married man again. Additionally, you have to learn to treat yourself respectfully and be strong enough to include the right people in your life. When you do this, you will not have friends who drop you whenever they think they don't need you anymore and then try to get you back in their life when they don't have something better going on. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: I have a friend, whom I'll call "Jeff," who I would always hang out with. I had known him for a long time - over 7 years. We would do many things together: hiking, cycling, skiing, you name it. If it was outside, I knew I could count on Jeff to come along. He was a lot of fun to be around, and, since I am a very shy person, it was nice having someone to do things with. However, a while back, Jeff got a girlfriend, making it so he was unavailable to hang out with. Of course it was only natural that this would happen, and I was happy to see Jeff so happy/thrilled. I am certainly not out to say that Jeff should spend time with me over spending time with his girlfriend, but as time has gone on, I do not see Jeff at all - especially after he married this girl. We do not talk, e-mail, or even run into each other at the store. The last time I was invited to his home, some months ago, it was obvious his wife did not want me around. The resentment of my presence was palpable. I'm sure you can guess what happened next: I was no longer invited over. That was fine with me, being that I did not like his wife anyway. But soon after, whenever I invited Jeff to go biking or hiking, there was ALWAYS some excuse as to why he could not, thus it became rarer and rarer for me to ask him, which led to me not asking him at all. I am not married and not in any relationships, so it isn't like I could just ask my wife or girlfriend to come along with me. I've tried joining outdoor groups, but I can never seem to find one where there isn't a lot of in-fighting. That makes it too stressful to enjoy even the most gorgeous scenery. There just isn't something that is like it was when Jeff was around. Is there anything I can do to get back in touch with my friend? --Friend Is MIA Dear Friend Is MIA: We are very sorry to hear that your friend has chosen to end your friendship, especially after you have known one another for over seven years. You sound like a dear friend whom many would appreciate. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do in this situation. Even if you call Jeff and let him know that you miss his company or make an effort to get on his wife's good side, in all probability, this will be a waste of your time. We know it is painful, but the hard truth is that your friend is abandoning his friendship with you, and you will help yourself the most by coming to terms with this reality. Additionally, you must realize that this is not about you or something you did; it is about your friend. Please, do not take his actions personally. Your letter is significant to us because you are male and it is rarely acknowledged that men are hurt just as much as women when their friendships end. A great deal of camaraderie is developed while playing golfing, hiking, hunting, watching football, and participating in other traditionally male activities, and it is essential that women recognize this. Girlfriends and wives do their partners and relationships no favors when they insist that their partners drop their friends (or make such a fuss that the friendships slowly fade away) because to many men, male friendships are an extremely important part of life. Of course, there is the extreme, and we do not condone a man prioritizing his relationships with his friends over his relationship with his partner (e.g. "golf widows" and wives whose husbands have "drinking buddies" that keep them out all night, every night). However, in general, women should support their partner's friendships with other males. It is unhealthy to isolate boyfriends and husbands from those who are important to them, and pursuing Magna Sententia means treating others respectfully, especially your partner. Thoughts to consider: There are some people who prefer to have one meaningful relationship at a time, whether it is with a good friend or a partner. It could be that your friend hung out with you for all those years, and then when he met his wife, he wanted to be just with her. Granted, a friend is not a true friend if he drops you simply because he has a new relationship, but there are individuals like this. Alternatively, there are also people who are so weak that they allow their partners to isolate them and destroy their friendships. If this is the case with your friend, he has a lot more problems than you do. We know it's difficult, but please try to get out and make new friends. Even though you were unhappy with the groups you joined in the past, we encourage you to check out a few more. Although it will take time to find another friend you enjoy as much as you did Jeff, never give up hope: There is someone out there who will take great pleasure in your company and appreciate your friendship. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: There's this guy that keeps hitting on me all the time, and its really getting on my nerves. I try to tell him I'm not interested, but I'm worried about what he'll do if I reject him. I don't think he's violent, but the problem is its one of my professors!! I need this class to graduate, so I can't risk getting a failing grade. Also, since tuition is so expensive these days, I cannot afford to retake it from a different professor next semester! I'm worried about my grades, but I'm really tired of this and just want it to end. I don't know what to do! I can't tell my friends because it's really embarrassing and I'm afraid they will do something to make the situation worse. I also don't want to tell my mom because she may also make the situation worse than it already is. What can I do that gets this guy to stop flirting with me, preserves my B+, and keeps everything calm as it is, relatively speaking?? Thanks! --Maybe Too Cute Dear Maybe Too Cute: We are sorry to hear that your professor is acting so unprofessionally. When people in positions of authority behave inappropriately, it usually makes life extremely stressful and difficult for others. Here are a few things to consider in solving your dilemma:
Please know that you are not alone. According to a 2005 study conducted by The American Association of University Women (AAUW), "nearly two-thirds of college students experience some type of sexual harassment," where sexual harassment is any "unwanted and unwelcome sexual behavior, which interferes with your life." ("Colleges Grapple With Sexual Harassment Policies") Tell your mother. She is your parent and needs to know what is occurring in your life and at school. Even though you may not think your professor is violent, you can never be sure, and regardless of whether you choose to ride it out or take action, keeping your mother informed of this situation is a form of taking responsibility for yourself (part of Magna Sententia's Axiom of Responsibility) because it is a necessary step in protecting yourself. If your mother reacts in a way that you believe "makes the situation worse than it already is," please accept her decision. College-age students sometimes do not have the life experience or maturity to handle an authoritative figure who is acting inappropriately. Technically, you are responsible for yourself, but it can be quite overwhelming when an adult in a position of authority shows interest in you as your professor is doing, and you may not have the skills to deal with him alone. We are not trying to make you feel badly; we just want you to know that there are times in life when you have to reach out to those who love you. Your mother (or another trusted adult) may be able to help in a way you have not considered. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: Well, she's coming, and there is nothing I can do about it. She will go through my refrigerator and pronounce my purchases foolishness, she will critique my decorating choices and make snide remarks about how everyone else does it better, and she will sit at my kitchen counter and analyze how I make dinner. My mother-in-law is coming for a week and I want to run away from home. I have three small children who I know should get to know their grandmother, a wonderful husband who I know should spend time with his mom, and a home that is large enough to accommodate her presence comfortably, so from the outside looking in, I seem to have no real problems and a very fortunate life. On the inside, however, I feel sick, nervous, and can't wait for her visit to end. Very few people affect me like this. Is something wrong with me, or am I just an ungrateful, picky, daughter-in-law who needs to grow up? --Ready To Run Dear Ready To Run: Please don't run away from home. You will be able to get through the next week if you formulate a plan for interacting with your mother-in-law from a position of strength. Also, do not worry about what the situation looks like from the outside: From your description of her behavior, you have a legitimate problem. We don't believe that you are ungrateful or picky, but we do think that you have some room to grow regarding your communication skills, as well as setting limits on what you allow others to do and say to you. Your mother-in-law is treating you disrespectfully when she goes through your refrigerator, critiques your decorating, and hounds you as you prepare dinner, but you are forgetting that she is a visitor in your home and it is up to you to take control of the situation. In truth, you are the one who is keeping you powerless. While it may get ugly (hopefully only temporarily), you must treat yourself respectfully and teach her how you would like her to treat you. An important note: following Magna Sententia, you will treat your mother-in-law respectfully while standing up for yourself. We know this is easier said than done, but it is not impossible and for the most part just takes time and practice. Here are a few tips:
Will you have the nerve to say all of these things right away? Probably not (and that's okay). Just keep them in mind, and remember that you treat yourself disrespectfully when you allow others, including your mother-in-law, to make comments that bring you down. After you stick up for yourself a few times, you will find that it gets easier and easier. You will also start to feel better, and your family will notice the difference in your attitude and demeanor. Even though it can be tough, being strong is worth it. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 Dear Anna and Ellie: My 48-year-old girlfriend decided she wanted to get a kitten. We are living together, engaged, and waiting for her credit to recover from a bankruptcy before we marry. Today, she planned on picking up the kitten, and this morning, we talked about a name for the kitten. In bed, I told her how picky my family is about weird pet names. Later, she said she liked the name Zeena. Instead of respecting me when I told her I didn't like the name Zeena, she, with a snicker on her face, insisted that she liked the name, period, end of discussion. I again told her I didn't like the name. I had just finished telling her how my family felt about weird names! She acted like she didn't understand that or care. She again disrespected what I had told her, saying she liked the name, period, end of discussion, with a snicker on her face. I finally, in an effort to convince her it was not a name we could both agree on, told her it sounded like a cartoon name. Later, she acted like I said that right away to hurt her feelings. She then said she was not set on the name Zeena. If she wasn't set on it, and knew I didn't like it, why didn't she move on to another name? She seems like the classic description of a "Right-Fighter." Now, she's mad and decided not to get the cat at all. Anytime I have done this in the past, it has been a back and forth thing. Once one person hears that the other doesn't like the name, you move on to a new name until one is found that you both like. We seem to get stuck at the point I tell her I don't like her name. I listened to her points and considered her name, but it's a name I can't agree on. Why can't she just accept that and move on to find a new name we can both agree on? How do I deal with a situation like this? Thanks! --Equalizer Dear Equalizer: Based on the wording of your question, we feel that you already know the right answer, even though you may not realize it. Within just five sentences, you get to the crux of the matter all on your own: "Instead of respecting me . . ." Situations such as yours are common in many relationships, and understanding exactly what is going on, as well as your options for an appropriate response, will help to relieve your frustration. Living according to Magna Sententia involves treating yourself respectfully, which is comprised of two extremely important components: The inward component is being a friend to yourself, while the outward component is protecting yourself from unhealthy relationships. Being a friend to yourself is a concept that many people do not fully understand. It involves discerning your true self and accepting yourself for who you really are, in addition to identifying your shortcomings, having a healthy sense of shame, and learning from your mistakes. Further, being a friend to yourself means learning to enjoy you, without the burden of continuously comparing yourself to others, as well as treating yourself nicely. When you put in the time and effort it takes to become a sincere friend to yourself, you are able to see your relationships more clearly and make better life decisions. It is also a prerequisite for protecting yourself from unhealthy relationships. When you protect yourself from unhealthy relationships, you take the appropriate steps to ensure that your relationships enhance your life. To start, you have to Recognize when others are mistreating you. In your case, you already know that your girlfriend is not treating you respectfully. Whether or not she is actually a "Right-Fighter" (someone who must always win an argument, regardless of whether they believe themselves to be right) is immaterial. What is important is that she is not treating you like the two of you are a team. In a loving relationship, partners work together, meaning that your girlfriend should work with you to find a mutually satisfying name for the kitten. While this particular argument may seem petty and insignificant, it actually speaks volumes about how she relates to herself and how she relates to you. Obviously, she is immature, as she is trying to manipulate you to get her way: First, she overlooks your feelings and acts as though she does not care about your opinion, and then later, she announces that she is not even going to get the kitten, making you feel like it is your fault because you wouldn't accept her name. You have two options: Rectify and/or Release. If you choose to Rectify, you must attempt to communicate to your girlfriend how frustrated you feel about the way she behaves during conflicts. (It is our guess that she uses similar tactics to get her way at other times.) When you take this first step, you need to remember that a relationship involves two people, and for true communication to occur, she must be willing to talk things over with you openly. (Maybe you are unknowingly doing something that frustrates her as well, and she takes out her frustration in this way, instead of telling you directly.) Your argument about the kitten's name is just a symptom of deeper problems in your relationship that you need to face and resolve. If you cannot do this by yourselves, we encourage you to enlist the help of a qualified counselor or therapist so that your relationship can grow to be strong, honest, and open. Rectify is an essential concept that we all must learn to do regularly in our close relationships. Life is so busy, and things can get complicated quickly. There is no way to have a meaningful relationship when manipulation (as in your case) or other problems exist. If the two of you can learn to communicate effectively, you will have a much stronger and rewarding relationship. If you find, however, that your girlfriend is not interested in learning to communicate without manipulation, then you will have to decide for yourself where your relationship stands. Release is often difficult, but sometimes it is the only alternative to living a frustrating life in which people continue to treat you disrespectfully. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
 The following excerpt from Magna Sententia: The Logical Cure for Our Society is a fictional example for future “Ask Anna & Ellie” entries. Dear Anna and Ellie: Since we met during our third year in college, my boyfriend “Troy” and I have had a passionate and fulfilling relationship. He is an amazing person, and during these last five years together, we have grown extremely close. I do not know what I would do without him in my life! Two years ago, we started living together: We were talking about getting married, but both of us have parents who divorced when we were young. Because we never want to get divorced ourselves, or force our future kids to live through the unhappiness that we experienced, we decided to live together first to see if it would really work out between us. When we moved in together, we both acknowledged that our living arrangement was only temporary. We agreed that we just needed some time to find out if we were compatible living under the same roof and if we could handle the various problems that inevitably come up with work, our families, and everything else. Over the last two years, we have frequently brought up the time when we would be married and referred to it as though it would definitely happen in the near future. Lately, however, something has changed. I am completely confused and would sincerely appreciate your opinion. About three months ago, Troy began getting quiet every time I made a casual reference to marriage or us getting married. Admittedly, I made a few comments hinting that I think we are ready since it has probably been long enough for any problems to surface, and we know that we get along great. I hate to keep bringing the subject up, but at the same time, I am starting to resent his procrastination. Last week was my birthday, and I thought that maybe his recent silence regarding marriage was just because he wanted to surprise me with a proposal. Much to my disappointment, the day came and went without so much as a word of our being together forever. Now what do I do? Troy is the love of my life, and he says that he loves me, but apparently, there is no ring in sight. --Still Ringless Dear Ringless: Your situation with Troy is unfortunate. Life is very difficult when you love someone and your relationship is causing anxiety, disappointment, or frustration. Cheer up though because there is a resolution to your dilemma that will give you a new confidence and ensure that if you and Troy do marry, your relationship will have the greatest chance of success. First, let’s look at what you and Troy have done correctly. Both of you handled many aspects of your relationship quite responsibly: Throughout the last five years, you took the time to truly get to know each other, which is much preferred over rushing into marriage only to discover that you are wrong for one another. This was an especially wise choice because you were both quite young when you began dating, and individuals frequently go through many changes during college and while they are establishing their careers. It is also admirable that you do not want to repeat the unhappiness you already experienced when your parents divorced. However, you must never forget that you and Troy are not your parents, and your future is not doomed to become a replication of their history. Just because your parents had difficulties, it does not mean that you and whomever you marry will too. It all depends on your choices, your partner’s choices, and the way you both handle your relationship. While you cannot control how your partner will respond to every situation, you can control your actions, so take responsibility for your happiness and for yourself as an individual and a partner. Now, we will tackle your problem with Troy. Curiously, you say that you are “extremely close,” yet for some reason, the two of you cannot openly discuss his sudden unwillingness to talk about getting married. There could be any number of reasons for his silence, and without a sincere, direct conversation, it is impossible for you to know why his behavior has changed: Troy could have developed feelings for someone else; he could want some freedom because you have been together since you were in college; he could be upset about a situation at work that is making him feel unsure of himself and his ability to make you happy for the rest of your lives; he could be in a fight with his mother; he could be seriously ill and not know how to tell you; or he could have decided that he does not want to get married after all. In short, Troy’s reticence could be caused by anything. (It could be about you or have nothing to do with you.) No matter what the reason, there is no way that you can identify the root of the problem until you and Troy have a candid, yet considerate, dialogue. Before you try to have this discussion with Troy, realize that it is secondary to determining for yourself whether or not marriage to him is really what you want. Your knee-jerk response to this question will undoubtedly be, “Yes!”; please resist this temptation, and put some serious thought into it. Marriage is supposed to be one of the two most permanent decisions in life (the other being to have children), and “until death do us part” is a very, very long time. Both you and Troy have not been alone since you were young adults in college, and while he could be the “love of your life,” you need to be sure that he is, that he thinks of you this way, and that you do not want to get married just because you are scared of being on your own. From your letter, it sounds as though you need a partner who is willing to openly discuss his feelings. Although this is a quality that we believe benefits all of an individual’s relationships, it is undeniable that some people are naturally more private than others. In keeping with Realistic Expectation Six: “Never ask the moon to brighten your day,” this is not a characteristic that you can force on Troy if he is the type who always clams up whenever something is bothering him. We are not saying that you cannot have a meaningful relationship with someone who is quite private, but you also cannot expect him to come running to you with his feelings. If you choose to have a relationship with such a person, you must be willing to be observant of his demeanor and to be the only one who instigates communication. If this is not for you, then maybe someone else would suit you better. Again judging from your letter, it also appears that it would be a mistake for you personally to ask Troy to marry you merely because you are tired of waiting for him to propose to you. In today’s society, it has become in vogue for women to make the first move when it comes to romance, and while this movement is not flawed in and of itself, it does make some women feel weak or outdated for preferring that men pursue them. According to the Axiom of Respect, women must respect themselves enough to know and accept what is truly right for them. There is nothing wrong with desiring romantic relationships to be more traditional, and since you seem to want Troy to propose to you, there is a high probability that you will resent it in the end if you ask him to marry you. Moreover, realize that marriage is best reserved for two individuals who love one another deeply and long to be legally bound for the rest of their lives. In fact, we would go so far as to say that marriage is only for the couple who would be miserable if they were not together forever. This is not old-fashioned or something out of a storybook; rather, married partners need this strong of a bond at the beginning for their commitment to survive all of the struggles and tribulations that a lifetime brings. Notice the words “forever” and “lifetime.” Even though it is a popular occurrence, our society and the individuals in it do not benefit from serial monogamy. Children’s lives are turned upside down, and adults suffer, all because people bounce from one relationship to the next without ever fixing their own problems or enduring the often-long wait that is required to find their true match. Divorce makes it quite easy to cut and run from one relationship and then start fresh with someone else. Unfortunately, these new relationships usually do not last either since individuals take their problems with them. The wisest course, and the easiest in the long run, is for people to get themselves in order before they reach for someone else with whom to share their lives. Today, many couples chose to live together before marriage, or without ever marrying, for a variety of reasons: There are those who are fully committed to one another but do not care for or believe in the institution of marriage, or at least not as it is currently defined. Some, like you and Troy, are unsure or afraid of making a long-term commitment, whereas others are so lonely that they would rather be with someone who is not right for them than be by themselves. Even still, there are those who have no intention of making a commitment and are only interested in having some fun. While it is inaccurate to say that all unmarried couples who live together are destined to break up, living together without being legally bound can add a burdensome complexity to a relationship and create problems that would not be present otherwise. For example, consider a boyfriend and girlfriend. At this stage and labeling of their relationship, there is an obvious commitment, but it is typically perceived as far less than the legal commitment that would be implied if they were husband and wife. If this boyfriend and girlfriend have their own places of residence, it is relatively easy for them to decide that they no longer want to be together and go their separate ways. Alternatively, if they live together, they may still view their relationship as less committed than if they were married, but they cannot break up without a divorce-type mess on their hands that lacks an enforceable settlement to help them dissolve their relationship. Further, while most individuals recognize the emotional strain of getting married and divorced several times, they may be less aware of the significant emotional strain of moving in and then breaking up with several partners. As in Realistic Expectation One: “The ending always begins at the beginning,” when people choose to live together (married or unmarried) they are choosing to give of themselves mentally, emotionally, and physically. Living with another person is a big deal, no matter what the legal status of your relationship! You and Troy already made the decision to live together, so there is little use in questioning whether or not it was for the best. What’s done is done. (Realistic Expectation Seven: “Only look backward if it helps you move forward.”) Right now, the two of you need to figure out what you want, and although you probably will not like the following advice, we think it will give your relationship the greatest chance of success: Tell Troy that you have been thinking it over, and you decided that you need to move out. You are not breaking up with him, and this is not an ultimatum to make him propose, but you feel that the two of you need some room to make sure you are right for one another. Then, get your own place as soon as possible. Separate your living space from Troy’s so that both of you can breathe. This does not mean that the two of you have to alter the exclusivity of your relationship, but it does mean that you should not regularly spend the night with one another. Our reasoning behind this suggestion is that as it stands now, Troy knows you are waiting for a proposal (you told him so), and he also knows that you are disappointed every day the two of you continue to live together without him proposing. This puts a large amount of pressure on him and your relationship, and if he would ask you to marry him tomorrow, you would never know whether he proposed because he wanted to or because the pressure made him feel forced. (Nothing forced ever works out.) With a little distance, you and Troy might be able to open up the lines of communication and discover the root of his recent change in behavior. You need to know how he truly feels about your relationship before you marry him, but it is unhealthy for his reasons (or lack thereof) to be the focus of your life. To take your mind off your troubles, make some new friends who do not know Troy, or try something new that you have always wanted to do for yourself. Take an exercise class, learn to play an instrument, or start studying the stock market. Develop yourself, establish some positive relationships, and then see how you feel about Troy. By doing so, you will be following the Axiom of Responsibility in taking responsibility for your own happiness. If, after living separately and honestly communicating, you and Troy independently decide that you want to be together for the rest of your lives, then and only then is marriage advisable for the two of you. Troy is aware that you want him to be the one who proposes to you; therefore, if he truly loves you enough to be a good spouse to you, he will honor your wish and ask you to marry him. Allow him to do this in the right way and for the right reasons, and you will forever be grateful for the assurance of knowing that you belong together. --Anna & Ellie Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here! Disclaimer
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