Dear Anna and Ellie:

I just returned home from a 10 day stay that I was supposed to have with my grandchildren. Let me say first, my son is not in the children's lives on his own choice. I had major concerns about the welfare of my grandchildren, and I turned the mother into CPS.

The mother is currently under an investigation with them and was forbidden to be around her boyfriend; however, that has not mattered to her, they force the grandchildren to call him "Daddy," even though he is not to be around them. The boyfriend is forbidden to be around because he is a convicted drug offender (Meth). I have spoken with the CPS worker, and they did another intake and confronted the mother about the boyfriend, and she bold faced lied and said he was not in her life. CPS is aware of her lie, but they feel they have to give her another chance because they see her making an effort in cleaning her house better.

I was finally able to see my grandkids for about 5 hrs 1 day and a few hours the next, which happened to be a Friday. Within an hour of dropping the kids off, I received a call that the boyfriend was using the cell phone and stated it was him and wanted to provide some info to that person. I know he is still around my grandchildren, and I do not know what to do at this point.

I have offered to hire a private investigator for CPS, and they turned me down and told me I would be wasting my money because they have to allow her another chance; however, the system is not working. They let her know when they are coming, and they do not do spot checks on weekends, so she has the boyfriend around on weekends. I live out of state and have been told that the children would be placed with family in town first, and her mother already has taken custody of her oldest son, which caused this initial investigation, which happens to be the 4th and my complaint is the 5th that I am aware of.

I have also been warned about looking like I am a BUTTINSKY, as they will just ignore my concerns. I do not know what to do at this point. I raised 6 children of my own and do not want to raise more; however, if it were to give my grandchildren a better life, my husband and I are willing to raise them in a healthy clean environment. Please suggest what more I can do.

--Concerned Grandma

Dear Concerned Grandma:

We have been thinking about your situation since we received your e-mail last week and feel so very sorry for you and your grandchildren.

We are not attorneys. So, unfortunately, we will not be able to provide you with legal alternatives to guide you; however, if you can afford it, we recommend you hire an attorney in the state where your grandchildren live.

Even though we cannot provide you with legal counsel, we still have a few thoughts that may help you:

You cannot control your grandchildren's mother, but you may be able to influence your son. Why is he "not in the children's lives on his own choice"? These are his children, and he has legal power where you do not. Can you and your husband meet with him to try to appeal to his sense of responsibility and compassion? Does he know that his children are in danger and that CPS has become involved? It seems that he is the person where you should focus your energies in order to try to help him come to his senses.

Sadly, grandparents do not have the legal standing that parents do, although there is never any harm in being a "buttinsky" when it involves the welfare of your grandchildren. Please don't listen to whoever warned you against this, they were wrong. You love your grandchildren and want them to be safe. Regardless of the names you are called, or whether others try to intimidate you, stay involved.

Now that CPS is taken over the case, you must let them do their jobs. They have procedures that must be followed. We know this is extremely frustrating (and may even be dangerous), but there really is nothing else you can do while they are looking into the welfare of the children. The fact that you live far away from them makes it even more difficult for you, although visiting as often as possible will let the children know you care about them and help you to feel that you are doing the most you can under horrible conditions.

We wish we could be more helpful.

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. "Ask Anna & Ellie" is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I am a secondary school teacher. I taught in South America, in Italy, and Spain. I found that English adolescents are very disruptive and misbehaved compared to continental children, though there are lovely kids here too. They are spoilt by parents and society, and it seems that nobody defends teachers. I remember when I was at school, I never dared to disrupt a teacher. They are rebellious children in today's society and no discipline at all.

--Lily

Dear Lily:

Parents do their children such a disservice when they do not defend teachers! Of course, it is important to teach children to tell a trusted adult if their teacher is engaging in inappropriate behavior; however, parents must also instill character and a work ethic in their children, which does not include blindly taking their child's side when he or she is misbehaving at school. Disruptive children hurt not just themselves, but all students. No one can learn in a chaotic classroom.

Unfortunately, a great number of children (and young adults) today believe that they are the center of the universe and haven't the faintest idea of what it takes to make something of themselves. They lack self-discipline and the ability to delay gratification. The scary thing is that while a current consequence of this is disrupted classrooms (which is nothing to sneeze at), a certain future consequence of this is a workforce with short-term thinking, little drive, and no dedication to innovate. (Plus, these people will be voting!)

You can't teach someone to work hard and treat others respectfully overnight, and if parents don't recommit themselves to making sure their children treat the "position" of teacher respectfully (even if children do not like their specific teacher), education will only be further eroded.

All of that said, there are still wonderful students who love to learn and are inspired by their fantastic teachers. Thank you for continuing to try to make a difference in children's lives. You are helping to shape the future, and we have a sneaky suspicion you are making a much greater impact than you will ever know.

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. "Ask Anna & Ellie" is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I am the father of four children who has been married to my wife for 10 years. The first seven years where quite rocky with consistent bickering and fighting where at times she has given me a punch, kick or broke my belongings. The main problem is that she is controlling when it comes to my children seeing my parents. She insists on being there if we visit and is angry for days before leading up to the visit. This behavior is noticeable and does affect our children.

The reason why I allow this to continue is that I love my children, but it has come to the point where I no longer want to be controlled. My only fear is that if I get divorced, she will focus her anger on our kids when I am not around.

--Unhappy Husband

Dear Unhappy Husband:

Your fears are justified: From your description of her, your wife will "focus her anger" on your children if you leave her. While we are pleased you have finally reached the point where you "no longer want to be controlled," it is imperative that you fulfill your responsibilities to your children by preparing in advance to protect them. Approach your situation from a position of strength, as opposed to feeling victimized. To be sure, in order to create the life you want for yourself and, most importantly, keep your children safe, you must be strong.

Start by finding a reputable, experienced attorney who specializes in divorce. Make certain that you inform him or her that your wife has been abusive toward you in the past and you worry that she may be abusive to your children in the future, especially if you are not there to supervise. You may cringe at the word "abusive;" however, her punching and kicking you, as well as breaking your things, all qualify as abuse. Your wife is in fact abusive. We applaud you for recognizing that she is behaving in a controlling manner when it comes to your children visiting your parents (unless, of course, there is a valid reason why she fears for their safety at your parents' home).

Your attorney will advise you how to proceed. While we are not attorneys and cannot provide you with legal advice, his or her instructions should include preparation for a strong case against your wife being awarded custody of your children. Additionally, her visitation privileges should be supervised. To that end, if she punches or kicks you again, call the police and have all evidence documented. This will supply you with the proof you need to show that she is unable to provide a safe environment for your children. Also, do you have witnesses that would be willing to testify regarding her past behavior? Are any of her past abuses legally documented?

All of this will take some time. You must patiently lay the groundwork so that you will be granted full custody of your children. Then, you will be able to build a healthy life for yourself and your children, and all of you will have a safe, calm, and loving home. You are completely justified in wanting to escape your marriage. Indeed, life is much too short to spend countless years with a spouse who behaves like your wife. Just proceed in a thoughtful, methodical manner so that the outcome of your divorce is the best for you and your children!

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. "Ask Anna & Ellie" is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Dear Anna and Ellie:

My daughter and her fiancé are to be married in just over a week. Unfortunately, the entire process around the wedding has been a fiasco regarding the groom's mother. She has tried to dictate everything from who is in the bridal party (and what they will wear) to what her husband will wear (she wants him in a tux to match the groomsmen and father of the bride). She has even tried to dictate what I wear to the wedding.

She whines and complains every step of the way when she doesn't get her way, and then stops communicating at all. She complained that she "wasn't involved" and then declined or ignored 6 invitations to visit the wedding venue. Every single step of the way this woman has given my daughter grief and cried (literally) about how she is "loosing her baby" and NOT gaining a daughter! I have tried to let my daughter and SIL deal with his mother, but am loosing sleep and picture the wedding day being a disaster.

I have continued to try and support my daughter and her future husband and suggested to both of them that my son in law is the one to talk with and deal with his mother. He has tried this - but one thing after another upsets his mother about my daughter and the fight is on again. Any suggestions??? I am loosing sleep over this and can see the wedding day being a disaster (especially if the mother of the groom drinks)!

--Mother Of The Bride

Dear Mother Of The Bride:

We are sorry that you are having so much trouble with your daughter's future mother-in-law. Life is tough enough without having to be involved with people who make what could be a beautiful occasion into a nightmare. You are correct when you tell your daughter and future son-in-law that he must be the one to "talk with and deal with his mother." If he cannot stand up to his mother about their wedding, their marriage could end in disaster.

As we have mentioned in other articles regarding this subject, weddings mean different things to different people, and because of this, they are often stressful. For example, some parents feel that everyone they know should be invited while others believe that the occasion is only for very close relatives. Considering this, we wonder what is behind the mother of the groom's behavior: Does she always behave like this, or is this an isolated incident?

If she is normally easygoing and understanding, then her son must sit down with her and find out what is bothering her so severely that it is making her act so unreasonably. You mentioned that she feels as though she is losing her son. Maybe he needs to have an open conversation with her and reassure her that not only is she not losing him, but it would also mean the world to him if she would try to focus on the fact that she is gaining a beautiful new daughter.

We must admit that we are worried for your daughter. You stated that when the groom tries to handle his mother, she continues to get "upset" about your daughter "and the fight is on." Trust us: If this doesn't stop, your daughter is getting into quite a mess. If his mother is always controlling, manipulative, and emotional, then there is no way anyone will be able to change this, before or after the wedding. (She will only change if and when she wants to change.)

You asked for our suggestions: Honestly, we would postpone the wedding until your daughter is positive that the groom's mother is not going to put so much pressure on her marriage that it ends, or if it doesn't end, that her life is constantly filled with stress and turmoil. This will not be easy, and it will take awhile, but it can be done. We know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but this is the only way for your daughter to know (with the highest degree of accuracy) what her future mother-in-law's impact will be on her marriage.

If that is not an acceptable option, then as for the wedding day itself, it will be what it will be. If the groom's mother is out of control as a way of life, then she will be out of control on the wedding day, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The key will be to conduct yourself in a respectful manner, but always be firm and direct. Do not let her push you around. This advice is especially important for your daughter as well. She will have to be incredibly strong now, and throughout her marriage, because there is a good chance this woman will try to control and manipulate every situation. Your daughter will have to teach her that her antics do not work.

Be supportive of your daughter, strong yourself, and try to enjoy the day . . . easier said than done, we know.

Please let us know what happens. We will be thinking about you!

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. "Ask Anna & Ellie" is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I'll spare you all the gory details, but let's just say that at this point it seems like life isn't all it's cracked up to be. (In the last three months alone, I was diagnosed with a lifelong, life-changing illness, my daughter had major complications in a major surgery, and my husband was informed that he is about to lose his job.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go jump off a bridge or anything. I'm just severely disillusioned. With people, with religion, with politics, with all this crap that happens day in and day out.

Will life ever throw us a bone? Will things ever get better? Is it even possible to happy for any length of time?

--Down On Life

P.S. If you say that I just need an attitude adjustment or that I should stop and smell the roses more often, I'll scream!

Dear Down On Life:

We are sorry that you are going through such a trying time. Without exception, every life has its struggles, admittedly some more often than others. Considering what you are currently experiencing, we definitely understand why you feel that "life isn't all it is cracked up to be." And no, the solution is not simply an attitude adjustment or to stop and smell the roses, although these can never hurt.

Sometimes, if we look at each obstacle we're facing one at a time, they seem less overwhelming:

Being diagnosed with a life-long, life-changing illness is emotionally exhausting. Personally, we empathize with your experience, as we were recently diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which forces many major lifestyle changes and, if left untreated, can lead to serious health problems. We've learned that you have to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of how life used to be, giving yourself permission to feel disappointed and acknowledge how scary it is to realize that your health is incredibly fragile and can be taken away at any moment.

The next step is to become educated so that you don't feel so powerless and hopeless. Education also provides a greater sense of control over your circumstances. The loss of feeling in control of your own life is a difficult aspect of any illness. Join a support group, or start your own. This is an excellent way to learn more about your disease and how others have learned to manage it and cope with it. Online support groups are another effective option.

Your daughter's major complications with a major surgery are undoubtedly extremely scary and stressful. Here again, it is easy to feel like life is out of control, but this is another area where education is the key. What steps can your daughter take to fully regain her health? Can you help her? At the same time, it is important to remain realistic and not to take on more than you can possibly handle by yourself. If your daughter is young, assisting her will consume a great deal of your time; however, if she is older, you will have to stop yourself from getting overly involved in her life to the point where you have no life of your own. Do what you can, but realize that in order to be there for someone else, you have to take care of yourself first. If you are not giving yourself time to exercise, sleep, relax (a little), and eat well, you will eventually be no good for your daughter. Remember that you can only do what you can do.

Your husband's impending job loss is yet another tremendously emotional and stressful event. Unfortunately, the two of you are not alone in this area: So many in our country are also coping with this and learning to manage the related stress. There are numerous support groups out there for the unemployed, and we would encourage your husband to join one. Also, concentrate on living day by day and making good choices in terms of spending your money. While planning and being prepared is always good, do not worry about events too far out in the future because you will just get all worked up. No one knows what tomorrow will bring!

Maybe this would be a good time for your husband to either gain new skills in his current field or find a completely different way of earning a living. When we go through difficult times, we are often forced to be more creative, and this can change a person's life forever. For example, maybe the two of you could start a business together, or he could pursue a career he has always dreamed of but never thought was possible. Again, having control over what happens to you can go a very long way in making you feel better about life.

Due to some of the phrases you used in your e-mail, we want you to know that if you ever do feel suicidal, please reach out for help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is a free hotline available 24 hours a day. You are not weak, or a bad person, because you feel the way to you; you are someone who is experiencing three extremely difficult situations all at the same time, and that is more than many of us could handle without help. Even though your depression seems situational, please share your feelings with your physician. He or she needs to know and most likely has many additional resources to help you and your family through these difficult times.

Speaking of help, don't hesitate to reach out to other family members and friends. Let them know you are exhausted and need a break. It is amazing how much our perspective changes when we are well-rested and have had some time to just relax and regroup. Can other family members help you with some of your responsibilities while you are learning to manage your illness? Can friends take a turn helping your daughter so that she does not have to solely rely on you? Does your husband have friends or relatives that he can share his employment worries with so that you are not his only source of emotional support, which is a huge responsibility for you? All of these little steps will help to alleviate some of the stress you are currently feeling.

Lastly, the truth is that life is what it is. There is no magic formula to make it better or more fair. All we can ask of ourselves is to do the very best we can each day. Yes, it is exceedingly difficult to have a good attitude when life keeps piling problem after problem on us and the pressure never lets up. Nonetheless, our only option is to keep fighting and find ways to ease some of the stress by taking care of ourselves, becoming educated, and asking for assistance so that we can manage our lives as best as possible.

We hope this helps and that your life gets better before too long.

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. "Ask Anna & Ellie" is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.