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Ask Anna & Ellie: Bad MILs Can Ruin Weddings & Marriages

Dear Anna and Ellie:

My daughter and her fiancé are to be married in just over a week. Unfortunately, the entire process around the wedding has been a fiasco regarding the groom's mother. She has tried to dictate everything from who is in the bridal party (and what they will wear) to what her husband will wear (she wants him in a tux to match the groomsmen and father of the bride). She has even tried to dictate what I wear to the wedding.

She whines and complains every step of the way when she doesn't get her way, and then stops communicating at all. She complained that she "wasn't involved" and then declined or ignored 6 invitations to visit the wedding venue. Every single step of the way this woman has given my daughter grief and cried (literally) about how she is "loosing her baby" and NOT gaining a daughter! I have tried to let my daughter and SIL deal with his mother, but am loosing sleep and picture the wedding day being a disaster.

I have continued to try and support my daughter and her future husband and suggested to both of them that my son in law is the one to talk with and deal with his mother. He has tried this - but one thing after another upsets his mother about my daughter and the fight is on again. Any suggestions??? I am loosing sleep over this and can see the wedding day being a disaster (especially if the mother of the groom drinks)!

--Mother Of The Bride

Dear Mother Of The Bride:

We are sorry that you are having so much trouble with your daughter's future mother-in-law. Life is tough enough without having to be involved with people who make what could be a beautiful occasion into a nightmare. You are correct when you tell your daughter and future son-in-law that he must be the one to "talk with and deal with his mother." If he cannot stand up to his mother about their wedding, their marriage could end in disaster.

As we have mentioned in other articles regarding this subject, weddings mean different things to different people, and because of this, they are often stressful. For example, some parents feel that everyone they know should be invited while others believe that the occasion is only for very close relatives. Considering this, we wonder what is behind the mother of the groom's behavior: Does she always behave like this, or is this an isolated incident?

If she is normally easygoing and understanding, then her son must sit down with her and find out what is bothering her so severely that it is making her act so unreasonably. You mentioned that she feels as though she is losing her son. Maybe he needs to have an open conversation with her and reassure her that not only is she not losing him, but it would also mean the world to him if she would try to focus on the fact that she is gaining a beautiful new daughter.

We must admit that we are worried for your daughter. You stated that when the groom tries to handle his mother, she continues to get "upset" about your daughter "and the fight is on." Trust us: If this doesn't stop, your daughter is getting into quite a mess. If his mother is always controlling, manipulative, and emotional, then there is no way anyone will be able to change this, before or after the wedding. (She will only change if and when she wants to change.)

You asked for our suggestions: Honestly, we would postpone the wedding until your daughter is positive that the groom's mother is not going to put so much pressure on her marriage that it ends, or if it doesn't end, that her life is constantly filled with stress and turmoil. This will not be easy, and it will take awhile, but it can be done. We know this is probably not what you wanted to hear, but this is the only way for your daughter to know (with the highest degree of accuracy) what her future mother-in-law's impact will be on her marriage.

If that is not an acceptable option, then as for the wedding day itself, it will be what it will be. If the groom's mother is out of control as a way of life, then she will be out of control on the wedding day, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. The key will be to conduct yourself in a respectful manner, but always be firm and direct. Do not let her push you around. This advice is especially important for your daughter as well. She will have to be incredibly strong now, and throughout her marriage, because there is a good chance this woman will try to control and manipulate every situation. Your daughter will have to teach her that her antics do not work.

Be supportive of your daughter, strong yourself, and try to enjoy the day . . . easier said than done, we know.

Please let us know what happens. We will be thinking about you!

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Disclaimer
Anna Sherise and Ellie Sherise are not licensed or trained healthcare professionals, counselors, or financial advisors. "Ask Anna & Ellie" is provided for informational purposes only, and is not intended to take the place of the care and advice given to you by your physician, counselor, other healthcare professional, or financial advisor. Sherise Media LLC, its members and representatives, specifically disclaim all responsibility for any liability, loss, or risk, personal or otherwise, which is incurred as a consequence, directly or indirectly, of the use and application of any of the contents of this article and/or website.

Ask Anna & Ellie: Getting Back Up When You're "Down On Life"

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I'll spare you all the gory details, but let's just say that at this point it seems like life isn't all it's cracked up to be. (In the last three months alone, I was diagnosed with a lifelong, life-changing illness, my daughter had major complications in a major surgery, and my husband was informed that he is about to lose his job.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to go jump off a bridge or anything. I'm just severely disillusioned. With people, with religion, with politics, with all this crap that happens day in and day out.

Will life ever throw us a bone? Will things ever get better? Is it even possible to happy for any length of time?

--Down On Life

P.S. If you say that I just need an attitude adjustment or that I should stop and smell the roses more often, I'll scream!

Dear Down On Life:

We are sorry that you are going through such a trying time. Without exception, every life has its struggles, admittedly some more often than others. Considering what you are currently experiencing, we definitely understand why you feel that "life isn't all it is cracked up to be." And no, the solution is not simply an attitude adjustment or to stop and smell the roses, although these can never hurt.

Sometimes, if we look at each obstacle we're facing one at a time, they seem less overwhelming:

Being diagnosed with a life-long, life-changing illness is emotionally exhausting. Personally, we empathize with your experience, as we were recently diagnosed with Celiac Disease, which forces many major lifestyle changes and, if left untreated, can lead to serious health problems. We've learned that you have to allow yourself time to grieve the loss of how life used to be, giving yourself permission to feel disappointed and acknowledge how scary it is to realize that your health is incredibly fragile and can be taken away at any moment.

The next step is to become educated so that you don't feel so powerless and hopeless. Education also provides a greater sense of control over your circumstances. The loss of feeling in control of your own life is a difficult aspect of any illness. Join a support group, or start your own. This is an excellent way to learn more about your disease and how others have learned to manage it and cope with it. Online support groups are another effective option.

Your daughter's major complications with a major surgery are undoubtedly extremely scary and stressful. Here again, it is easy to feel like life is out of control, but this is another area where education is the key. What steps can your daughter take to fully regain her health? Can you help her? At the same time, it is important to remain realistic and not to take on more than you can possibly handle by yourself. If your daughter is young, assisting her will consume a great deal of your time; however, if she is older, you will have to stop yourself from getting overly involved in her life to the point where you have no life of your own. Do what you can, but realize that in order to be there for someone else, you have to take care of yourself first. If you are not giving yourself time to exercise, sleep, relax (a little), and eat well, you will eventually be no good for your daughter. Remember that you can only do what you can do.

Your husband's impending job loss is yet another tremendously emotional and stressful event. Unfortunately, the two of you are not alone in this area: So many in our country are also coping with this and learning to manage the related stress. There are numerous support groups out there for the unemployed, and we would encourage your husband to join one. Also, concentrate on living day by day and making good choices in terms of spending your money. While planning and being prepared is always good, do not worry about events too far out in the future because you will just get all worked up. No one knows what tomorrow will bring!

Maybe this would be a good time for your husband to either gain new skills in his current field or find a completely different way of earning a living. When we go through difficult times, we are often forced to be more creative, and this can change a person's life forever. For example, maybe the two of you could start a business together, or he could pursue a career he has always dreamed of but never thought was possible. Again, having control over what happens to you can go a very long way in making you feel better about life.

Due to some of the phrases you used in your e-mail, we want you to know that if you ever do feel suicidal, please reach out for help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is a free hotline available 24 hours a day. You are not weak, or a bad person, because you feel the way to you; you are someone who is experiencing three extremely difficult situations all at the same time, and that is more than many of us could handle without help. Even though your depression seems situational, please share your feelings with your physician. He or she needs to know and most likely has many additional resources to help you and your family through these difficult times.

Speaking of help, don't hesitate to reach out to other family members and friends. Let them know you are exhausted and need a break. It is amazing how much our perspective changes when we are well-rested and have had some time to just relax and regroup. Can other family members help you with some of your responsibilities while you are learning to manage your illness? Can friends take a turn helping your daughter so that she does not have to solely rely on you? Does your husband have friends or relatives that he can share his employment worries with so that you are not his only source of emotional support, which is a huge responsibility for you? All of these little steps will help to alleviate some of the stress you are currently feeling.

Lastly, the truth is that life is what it is. There is no magic formula to make it better or more fair. All we can ask of ourselves is to do the very best we can each day. Yes, it is exceedingly difficult to have a good attitude when life keeps piling problem after problem on us and the pressure never lets up. Nonetheless, our only option is to keep fighting and find ways to ease some of the stress by taking care of ourselves, becoming educated, and asking for assistance so that we can manage our lives as best as possible.

We hope this helps and that your life gets better before too long.

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Ask Anna & Ellie: Holiday Gatherings & Dietary Restrictions

Dear Anna and Ellie:

I read that Ellie has celiac disease and thought you might be the person to ask how I should handle next week's Thanksgiving dinner. Many of the family and friends that are coming to our house have some type of dietary restriction, and I am getting overwhelmed with all of the special dishes I will need to make. How can I respect their needs and maintain my sanity?

I was thinking of having everyone bring a dish they could eat and I will supply the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, and vegetable. Does that sound reasonable or will they think I am being a lazy host?

--Too Many Dishes To Cook

Dear Too Many Dishes To Cook:

It is very thoughtful of you to be so cognizant of the dietary restrictions of your family and friends, and this will surely make all of your guests feel welcome. However, you also need to take care of yourself, which means not going crazy trying to fulfill everyone else's needs. Reaching a balance as host can be tricky, but it can be done, especially if both hosts and guests remember that what really counts is being together, showing appreciation for one another, and having fun.

Preparing dishes to meet dietary restrictions that are not your own can be extremely difficult and stressful, particularly if the other person's diet is not widely known, intricate, and critical to his or her health (that is a lot of responsibility!). For instance, it may be easier to recognize recipes that are suitable for your lactose intolerant uncle and vegetarian sister than it is to find one for your celiac cousin. Personally, for Thanksgiving (and all other gatherings), Ellie does not expect her family and friends to take it upon themselves to cook for her because there are hidden sources of gluten everywhere and she has a bad reaction from even slight cross-contamination. That would be too much to ask! Instead, she will bring along a dish or two that she can eat and share.

As a host, your duty is make your guests feel welcome, which means acknowledging their dietary restrictions and being as accommodating as is realistic. This does not mean providing a dish for every dietary restriction. Tell your family and friends with special diets that you are aware of their needs and want them to feel comfortable, and since you will be providing the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, and vegetable, they can bring anything else they would like to enjoy.

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Ask Anna & Ellie: Holidays & Divorce, To Tell Or Not To Tell?

Dear Anna and Ellie:

My wife and I have been married for nine years and have had trouble for the past three. We have three children ages, 8, 5, and 3. We decided a few months ago that we are going to divorce and I am certain that is the best option. In fact, ever since we made our decision, we have started to get along better. Keeping our marriage together was just too much pressure. We are talking about custody, our finances, and everything else and we are able to reach compromises on almost every subject - but we don't know how to handle the upcoming holidays.

Our families are close and get along well. We are afraid that our divorce is really going to upset everyone. We always go to her sister's house on Christmas Eve, our parents and siblings come to our house on Thanksgiving, and we thought it would be best to not tell anyone until January so that the holidays are not all upset for everyone.

What do you think of our plan? My wife hates to lie to our families, but I think we are saving them from feeling bad and also giving our kids a nice Christmas.

--Soon To Be Divorced

Dear Soon To Be Divorced:

Before we discuss whether it would be better for you and your wife to announce your divorce now or after the holidays, we have to ask: Are you absolutely, without question, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that divorce is really the best option? Only you and your wife can truly answer this question. There are many couples who quit too soon, looking for greener pastures when the going gets rough and never fully realizing the benefits of long-term commitment; then again, there are other couples who don't quit soon enough, wasting years of their lives in an unhappy relationship and fooling no one (children know whether or not their parents love one another). Divorce may in fact be the best option for the two of you, but if there is any part of either of you who feels like you would like to give your marriage one last shot, please speak up and see if you can work it out!

All of that said, it sounds as though you and your wife are really handling the situation well. Children are exceptionally hurt by divorce when their parents belittle and badmouth one another, making them feel like they have to "choose sides." We commend both of you for working together to reach compromises on matters that often end up to be bitter, ugly battles. By keeping your divorce amicable, you are taking responsibility for your children and doing them a world of good.

It is wonderful that your families are close, and we know that you and your wife are only thinking of your families in your plan not to tell anyone of your divorce until January. Unfortunately, we believe withholding this information may actually do more harm than good. Yes, everyone may have a "nice Christmas" (Don't kid yourselves: Your children are going to know something is up and others probably will too.); however, when you do make your announcement, there is a great chance that your families will be hurt because you didn't tell them right away. In many cases, not telling feels as much of a betrayal as an outright lie.

Tell your families as soon as possible. It may be difficult, but it is better for all of your relationships. (Trying to keep up appearances may even further strain your relationship with your wife.) Remember that just because you tell them now, it doesn't mean you have to take action immediately. You can still wait until January to separate and start legal proceedings.

We wish you and your family the best in handling this very difficult situation. Please contact us if there is anything more we can do.

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!

Ask Anna & Ellie: Neighbors Who Ask For Too Much Help

Dear Anna and Ellie:

You talk a lot about treating others respectfully. I think you have some good ideas, but I'm not really sure how to follow what you say and at the same time maintain my sanity: In my building, there is this really nice elderly man who I frequently had superficial conversations with. He helped me carry packages in the elevator a few times, and he even helped me with my trash when I had too much to carry. He seems really lonely, and I can tell he lives for the times when people have conversations with him. I have always tried to be nice, but I don't have the time to always be talking to him.

A few months ago, I had some furniture delivered and he offered to help me set some of it up. I was having trouble by myself, so I took him up on his offer. We got to talking about computers, e-mail, and all of that and he told be that he just bought a computer and was trying to learn how to use it. I told him I would help him, thinking he helped me, I could help him.

Bad idea. Now, every time I see him in the elevator, he needs help sending an e-mail, printing a letter, and on and on. I don't want to be harsh with him, but I can't stand it. I feel like a prisoner in my own building! I want to scream at him, "Leave me alone, I helped you enough already," but I know if I did, I would just feel guilty.

What should I do? This is going too far and I need it to stop.

--I've Helped Enough

Dear I've Helped Enough:

If you try to treat others respectfully in your life, you will most likely struggle at some point with finding the balance between treating others respectfully and treating yourself respectfully. Your situation is a perfect example of this: You don't want to be rude to your elderly neighbor, but you also need to honor your limitations and create healthy boundaries.

First, remember that good neighbors are hard to find, so appreciate your "really nice" neighbor (a rarity!) and his willingness to help you. As far as solving your problem so that you don't end up losing your cool and shouting something hurtful (e.g. "Leave me alone, I helped you enough already!"), here are a few ideas:

To make helping him less stressful for you, be honest and tell him when you are too busy. Then, set up a time to get together that is less inconvenient for you. When you do take time to help him, instead of just sending the e-mail or printing the letter for him, teach him how to do these things by himself: Make sure he is the one sitting at the computer, and have him take his own notes so that he can send e-mails and print letters when he is alone. This might take more time now, but hopefully, this will help him to become more self-sufficient, requiring your assistance less and less.

Also, take a few minutes to Google technology/computer courses for senior citizens in your area. You will undoubtedly find many resources for helping your neighbor learn the computer. In fact, many community colleges and senior centers have classes and individual lessons available at little or very low cost. Print out the information, and keep it in your bag or briefcase so that you can give it to him the next time you run into him. When you see him, say something like, "I was thinking about you the other day and found this information for you. I know you really want to learn how to use your computer, and I'm always so busy. I thought you might enjoy learning the computer with other beginners, and here are some places close by that will be able to help you. I don't want you to always have to be waiting for me."

If you try these suggestions and he still pesters you, you may have to firmly tell him you are too busy. Repeat as necessary, but there is no reason to be harsh while doing so.

--Anna & Ellie

Do you have a life or relationship question for Anna and Ellie? Do you want to know how Magna Sententia applies to your situation? Submit your question here!